help: having a boyfriend that’s clinically depressed and has anxiety

Okay so my greatest question is: how can i help my boyfriend who is clinically depressed? well it’s more like ex boyfriend cause i actually had to break up with him. we’re both in high school juniors, and so my parents don’t want me to be in a relationship until i graduate, which i totally understand. i told him about it this morning, and he said he was okay with it. that he’d wait for me and that he’ll always be there for me. i will be there for him too, although throughout the day it was hard and a bit tense. i feel like he finds a lot of comfort when we physically touch like when he holds my hands, gives me hugs and just gives me shoulder rubs. but since we’re broken up and every time we touch, i feel like i’m doing something wrong. i told him if we can keep a distance and have boundaries. again, he said he was okay with it although when he would try holding my hand, he notices i get tense and so he pulls away and apologizes. this happened throughout the day and i felt so horrible for it. later on about 2 hours after school ended, he messaged me saying he wasn’t doing so well. and then about 20 minutes later, said he was feeling easier. he then asked if he can call me about an hour later and i said i can. in the phone call, he told me that he during his low moment, he was thinking about killing himself or about harming himself. and he said he was gonna call me but didn’t want me to feel bad if i didn’t answer, so he called his best friend and he helped him through it. i feel so bad and at the same time, i’m not gonna lie, i’m scared. all the time, i worry about him and the feeling of having to worry about how he’s feeling all the time is tiring. also, i feel like i may have had something to do with how he was feeling? because of course, it’s not the first time he’s had the thought of killing himself. he goes through it about 2-3 times a week. and the closest he’s gotten was about 3 weeks ago, which he then was hospitalized to get the help he needed. it’s just a lot and i feel bad for wanting to get out of the relationship. i do deeply care for him, but i feel like it’s hurting me too. i just don’t know how to tell him how it’s affecting me cause i don’t want him to blame himself for it.

has anyone else gone through something like this? please, if you can help me with some advice on how to talk to him or any insight on how to help him, because honestly i don’t know much about depression and mostly about what triggers him. and i know i should talk about it with him, but i don’t wanna pressure him in doing so. i don’t even know what to do anymore.

and his anxiety is something big too. his breathing changes into fast paces and his voice gets hoarse. but i think that that’s just something he’s had all his life? ever since i knew him (and it’s been 3 years now) he’s had anxiety. like his hands sweat a lot and he even needs a piece of paper under his hand so the sweat doesn’t get on the paper he’s writing on. sometimes when he’s done writing, his paper is soaking with sweat.

also, he’s told me that his low moments just come and sometimes there’s triggers but other times he just feels really low. i just don’t know anymore if i’m the right person to help him. he really loves me and he’s shown it in so many ways. he’s so sweet and he also bring me tea everyday since school started and that’s been about 2 months now. he’s only missed a day of bringing it (i would also count the days he was gone because he was in the hospital but of course, i can’t blame him for that. i’ll never blame him for his conditions.)

something else, he’s not very hopeful.

i’ve tried helping him by telling him that to just have hope that everything gets better and that it’s all in the mindset. but idk, it’s just a lot and it sucks cause even though i want to help him, i don’t want to stop taking care of myself (because i feel like i have) and also, i can’t really be with him because my parents won’t allow me to be with him the way i want to. the way he needs me to be there.

if there’s any advice you can give me or insights about major depression or even anxiety, it would be very much appreciated.