Hi ladies,

Tomorrow is the big day and my emotions are all over the place, from excited to terrified all at the same time.

In July, we had our second retrieval (first was a bust) and I got pregnant for the first time ever with a fresh transfer. Betas were strong, saw the heartbeat, had all the morning sickness, and then in September we found out at a routine 10 week ultrasound that our baby's heart had stopped beating just a few days before. I had a d&c 2 days later and ran tests which showed we lost a genetically normal girl. We were (still are) devastated. They said it was just "bad luck" and "sometimes babies hearts just stop beating." Even though we have 3 frozen untested blastocysts, we decided to do another retrieval now since my egg quality will only get worse with time. I would like more than 1 child. This time we are pgs testing them all, including the frozen, for added reassurance.

I am 31 and have low AMH, high FSH, and abnormal looking eggs which they think could be from endo (surgery was not recommended by 3 different doctors). With my first 2 retrievals I got 10 eggs each try and this time it looks like I have about the same number of mature follicles. I'm so scared they won't have a lot make to to blast, even more scared none will be genetically normal. It's taking such a toll on me emotionally. I'm generally an anxious person and all the uncertainty certainly doesn't help. I'm excited for the possibilities, but can't help but be fearful.

If all goes well, we will have a frozen transfer around December 17th-23rd. They will be putting me on lovenox and medrol this time for added precaution. I so want to believe our dreams could come true and we can finally be on the other side of this struggle, but it's hard. 2019 has been filled with the highest highs and lowest lows. Even if I do get pregnant, I fear I won't be able to connect and get excited because I'll be waiting for bad news. I just don't know how much more I can take.

I'm not sure what I'm looking to get out of this, but thank you for listening to my story. I wish you all the best of luck on this difficult journey and I hope we will all be to hold and take home our babies in 2020.

UPDATE: 10 eggs retrieved once again 🥚