Is it acceptable behavior?

My mom has had issues with control ever since I was a child. It’s only now that I’m an adult that I recognize this. For example, when I was about 13, I asked to go into my pediatrician appointment alone (I had some embarrassing questions about puberty) and as a result, she left me there. My little sister had to beg her to go back to pick me up. It took about an hour for her to return for me. Another time I got my ears pierced (my dad took me) and she did not speak to me for several days. Anyway, you get the picture. Now I can see why as an adult I often have trouble making decisions, stating my opinion and having confidence in my choices.

Anyway, fast forward to my early 20s and my mom becomes hyper focused on my love life in particular. She becomes obsessed with the fact that at 24 I wasn’t married (called me a disappointment for it) and pressured me to date the son of her best friend from college. Because of my low self esteem, I end up dating him, even though I felt no spark. She became very involved in the relationship, and when she found out I hadn’t slept with him yet (I was a virgin at the time) she made fun of me. Anyway, because I wasn’t feeling it (and it showed) she made my life a living hell. I was dependent on her financially at the time (I was a student) and she constantly threw my bills in my face in order to get me to do things I didn’t want to. I ended up being forced into saying yes to an engagement (or I could “get the hell out of her house”) One night she had a nightmare that I had dumped him. She banged on my door and shouted at me at the top of her lungs. She refused to believe me that I hadn’t dumped him. She made me call him up on the phone (mind you it was about 3 am) to apologize for dumping him. I just picked up the phone and pretended to dial.

Fast forward a bit and I really had broken up with the guy so both my parents gave me an ultimatum to either go back and marry this guy or get out. I’ve had enough of the abuse so I say I’ll leave. I start to go to my room to pack up my belongings and my dad proceeds to beat me. He then grabs my phone and tries to throw me down the stairs (luckily I held on for dear life) my mom just watches. Then when I run to call the police using the land line, she puts me in a bear hug so that I can’t move (until I stop shouting) they then lock themselves in their bedroom and go through my phone. That was almost a decade ago but I still cry about that day like it was yesterday. I had been sexting a new (secret) boyfriend and they went through all the pictures and texts. I was mortified (spoiler, they ended up ruining that relationship) Somehow I ended up having to apologize TO THEM to get my phone back because I had been shouting insults after being beat up.

Defeated and having nowhere else to go I ended up forgiving them both. In my heart looking back I don’t think they are sorry for that event. I doubt they even think about that day anymore. After that, my mom has been very weird about my dating life. Every time I’d go out, she’d be besides herself, waiting until I come home. Even if that meant 4 am and having work in the morning. She wanted me single in case that boy ever wanted me back.

Fast forward to today, I’m with someone else (married actually) but my mom never ever ever forgave me for that broken engagement. She is still hung up on that guy. She kept in touch with him, has lavished him with gifts and money etc. she once told me that he will always be her son and whoever his wife is will be her daughter, their kids, her (true) grandkids.

She was a terror to my now husband in the beginning of our relationship, made my first pregnancy a nightmare all because of her allegiance to this guy. These days she just pretends my husband doesn’t exist. Never asks about him etc. whenever his name comes up, she gets visibly uncomfortable. My husband now has given me an ultimatum. Him or her. Guys, is she a lost cause?? What should I do! Why won’t she change?? If not for me, what about her grandchildren!! (Who she claims to love)