I need help reaccepting the LGBT community
The title probably threw you off. “Reaccepting? What does that mean?” You may have thought. Just know this is probably an unusual situation.
Here’s my story:
For a few years, I’ve had mainly friends in the LGBT community. They introduced me to a way of thinking that completely changed my political ideology from the conservative ideas my parents would shove down my throat to a brighter, happier, more accepting world. Because of them I pondered the idea of potentially being bi or pan, even insisting I was bi/pan at some points. It’s possible I still might be, but for now I’ll say I’m straight because nothing has proved to me otherwise.
But some of those friends were also rather toxic, and I made the mistake of dating the most toxic one (who I’m no longer friends with now) and suffered severe emotional trauma because of the ways she manipulated me and made me feel not good enough to her. I eventually broke it off because I knew I didn’t really have feelings for her and she was taking the relationship more seriously than I was.
After the relationship, I began insisting that I was straight, and that friend (as well as a few others) began to subtly bully me for being straight. They would complain about straight people all the time, show disgust whenever I would talk about straight relationships in tv shows, and make me very insecure in my sexuality.
Now I’m struggling to feel safe connecting to people in the LGBT community again. I want to avoid the majority of them in fear that I’ll be treated as the odd one out again. I want to find more straight people to hang around and relate to.
My friends also made me feel insecure about dating men even, as strange as it sounds. I’m a more traditional girl, but they’ve shoved the idea in my head that I probably won’t find a guy as traditional as me and that apparently a lot of guys like pegging and being submissive (which I would never want in a relationship) which has made me grow hateful toward those groups and insecure in starting any relationship in fear that the guy I date will secretly be gay or into those fetishes or want to be a trans woman. Even the mere mention of pegging causes a reaction of rage and disgust in me.
I don’t know what to do, and I’m sick of people shaming me for being a more traditional, feminine, straight girl. I don’t want to feel like because I’m an ally and feminist that I should have to go against the roles I’m comfortable with because to them, I shouldn’t conform. I hate feeling like I’m an awful person for just being myself.
Do you guys have any input that could help me heal and fully accept the community again?