When I found out I was pregnant, I was the happiest woman on this world. Until week 6, even with all those nasty symptoms, I was happy... I was now a mother.
I went to my first ultrasound at week 6, saw a heartbeat, loving calling our baby "Shrimp". Due date June 1st, 2020 and I couldn't wait to hold and meet my sweet baby.
Things suddenly changed at week 10, I became aggressive, sad, depressed. I didn't know whats wrong I blamed it all on hormones, while choking on tears almost every night.
One night, I'll never forget, the dream I had. I had a dream I was getting an ultrasound and in that dream, the specialist said, "A beautiful baby girl, so unfortunate that it's a silent miscarriage."
Needless to say, I woke up in tears, wiped them away, placed my hand on belly and said, this would never happen to us... But it haunted me, for the next two weeks. I kept telling people, I begged the doctors to listen to me, they didn't. My family and friends assured me that I was just being nervous like any new mom.
I believed them, until today. I went to get my 12 week ultrasound, I wasn't happy. I was mortified. Something kept telling me, I won't come out happy, it's like my body was giving me these signals, but yet, no cramping, no bleeding.
I went in, and yes. They confirmed those scary words from my dream, "Silent miscarriage. Death at 8 weeks." My soul died.
My baby, I'm so sorry. I blame myself, my thyroid that went crazy, although I took meds, my moodiness, I don't know. People kept telling me it's not my fault, but I wish I listened to myself, and went to the doctors when I felt something was wrong. While the doctors argued that it could be an infection(my lasts tests were clear), that it's chromosomal, that it's genetics. I was sitting on the chair in the cabinet, swallowing an abortion pill, with every gulp, a piece of me shattered. Now I wait, for the bleeding and I feel terror. What if I see something? So many thoughts, this seems like a nightmare.
Why am I ranting? Because, I can't cry anymore.
Mamas, you are so brave. My heart goes out to every single one of you. May you find peace. May our babies find peace, our bundles that couldn't make it, but left their little prints on our life forever.
My little Shrimp, Mom and Dad will love you forever. Rest well.
Please, tell me stories, if you got pregnant afterwards, needless to say... I lost all hope.