I am so depressed over trying to concieve for over 8 years. It feels like im literally living in hell. I am also struggling financially. I dont have a job and my boyfriend of 10 years is the only one working. Even if i did get a job, i would have no reliable transportation since i also have a phobia of driving. I refuse to drive. I cant find any jobs that i can work from home either. Because of all that, i cant afford health insurance so i cant go see a doctor or a reproductive endocrinologist to find out if anything is causing this infertilitty and get the treatment we needed to actually get pregnant. So for over 8 years i have been clueless to why it isnt happening. Ive never seen a positive pregnancy test. I cant tell u how much ive googled and how much research ive done, how many days ive cried. (Which is like every other day) even when seeing babies on tv, it triggers something inside of me. Or seeing someone that is pregnant, it makes me sad. I keep it all inside until i am alone then just let it out and cry, scream into a pillow, and have a full blown meltdown! To the point where i feel so exhausted from being so upset, my head starts pounding and i get light headed so i just fall asleep.. I dont have many friends. They all pretty much moved on and started families and i since i am having issues trying to start my own family, its hard being around them. My mom is not supportive. She has schitzophrenia which has always been a problem. She was never around much of my childhood because she was on drugs. I watched her stab her step dad 8 times in the neck, when i was 11 years old.. Thankfully he lived and She served her time in prison for attempted murder (about 15 years) and she has been out a few years and already started drugs again and not taking her meds for her mental issues. Growing up, raised by my grandmother until i was 14 when cancer took her from me. Well from a baby to 14 i was raised as a jehovahs witness and they didnt believe in holidays or birthdays so i missed out on all of that. They didnt believe in a lot of things. Like having friends outside of the religion and that life is going to be short since the world is coming to an end. So its hard for me to believe in god. Esspecially since he gave me this shitty life and wont let me have my own children so i can give them so much more than i ever had. I would absolutley LOVE to fulfill my dreams of becoming a mother. My heart hearts to the core thinking about everything in my life and what i ever did to derserve any of this. I do good and dont get into trouble. I help anyone who needs it. Im a good person and dont do anything illegal. Why does it feel like i am being punished? I feel so alone and nobody understands me and nobody knows how hard it is emotionally. I am sorry for the long rant but i needed to vent a little and share on this app because i dont share much about personal struggles on facebook or anywhere else. If you did take time to read, thank you. Sometimes it helps just to be heard. ❤