100% honesty here, I’m sitting in the Walmart parking lot as I type this. I just dropped the oldest kid off at school and while the little one is still asleep at the house with my husband I’m here, venting. Why? I have no one else to vent to. So love me hate me, at least I’m not bottling it up.

I’m tired, I’m depressed but I’m functional because I have to be. I work 40+ hour weeks (and I know there are many amazing people who grind through much more)

I work nights so I sleep while kids are at school, husband does not work and will not hold down a job for more than a few months because it’s not his ultimate goal. Just understand I am 💯 supportive of his passion, but he is someone who has never had to rely on himself to survive. My kids are his step kids and he’s great with them that’s not the issue here so we will set that to the side.

I’m functional because I have to be because all three of them depend on me. He thinks if he gets a job I should quit and stay home. The thing is we tried that and he is not devoted or committed to working a job he does not like because he has to. He never made more than $300 a week and with a family of four, two dogs, and two cats that’s not gonna cut it. I’m also the only one who cleans the house. And I’m not joking he will “ help “ with the dishes and that means washing the two that he just used. I’ve broke down and asked him to please help and he told me to chill out. He automatically jumps to “work” outside and gets nothing done.

I come from a family of alcoholics, addicts , mental illnesses etc. and I know he is an alcoholic

.

I have four days total off and they are 3 one week one day another.

I’m acting selfish or I just can’t be understood that on those nights I’d like to sleep in the bed with him. I have expressed my emotions I’ve tried to understand why he doesn’t want to and yet he still insists that I don’t make sense.

I am aware this whole post is all over the place and my fingers are numb because of the cold. As soon as I get paid he thinks there is money to be spent, my priorities don’t match up with his.

He is more affectionate to his dog than he is to me.

I may update this later to add to it but I’m tired of being tired.

He asked me if I was afraid to be alone, I told him. I ( because I’m not) I’m afraid of being with someone who would rather be alone.

If you’re going to break my heart do it so I can move on.