I can’t do it anymore

I know not many will take the time to read this but at least typing it out might help. I need advice.

I’ve been lied to and deceived again. My man had an alcohol problem that he hid from me for almost a year. He would put it in Mountain Dew bottles and drink from daylight to dark. A whole fifth a day. Yes, I smelled it. He had me thinking it was a medical condition that made him smell and act like he was. YES I was dumb. I believed him though. And yes there is a real medical condition that mimics being drunk, something with ketones and the liver or something. I googled it obsessively. Either way yes, I was still gullible and dumb. Anyway, I caught him. Before this instance, he had been drinking as heavily and was in rehab when we met, he was on medication and the whole nine yards. He lasted only a few months before going back and when I caught him the first time, he got sneaky which led to the Mountain Dew bottles. I’m sorry I’m off track again, but after the year binge and I caught him, he quit. I kept his wallet and searched his car. Smelled him after work.. I know I sound crazy but he was deteriorating and I’m genuinely concerned for his health as well as our relationship. He lasted 6 weeks off alcohol and he snuck his wallet to work with him yesterday and bought a bottle. A fifth. And drank it while on lunch at work. He knew how bad heartbroken I was for the year long lie, how many times he looked me in my eye and fooled me into believing he had a medical condition, promising me he hadn’t drank anything. I cried for a week. Yesterday, I told him I’m done. No, I’m not leaving him. I won’t give up on him, but I’m not happy together anymore. I do not trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. I am devastated that he lied directly to me yet again. He was texting me that I had every right to be paranoid over it and promised me he wasn’t doing it, all while taking drinks. He admitted to that. He said rehab won’t help. It hasn’t ever helped. The fact of losing me, our 8 year old, 2 year old, and unborn son doesn’t help. His parents have tried and it doesn’t help. I don’t know what to do from here. I can’t be in a relationship that I have no trust in. I am sick of being hurt and lied to. I’m not happy anymore. I’ve told him all of this and he just says he’s sorry and it won’t happen again, but that’s what I’ve heard 3 times now, this makes the fourth. There’s a lot more I could add but I realize this is already a novel. Thanks if you read all the way through. My mentality is broken, I guess even just encouragement would help. I don’t know anymore. I’ve been really telling him how I feel and it’s kind of cold to be honest. I’m not sure if I’m being too hard on him or not. My mind is just spinning.

Just an update for anyone who read this: I’ve decided to stay. I told him this is the last time. I told him I can not put my heart through this again. The kids don’t know what’s going on or that he has this problem, and I knew if I left there would be more hearts broken than mine. They wouldn’t understand. He is good to me, he is everything anyone could ask for in a man, other than this problem. He doesn’t yell, get mad, etc. he doesn’t even cuss. He’s an amazing dad to my boys, I will say, they aren’t his biological kids. The one on the way is, but the other two are not, but he calls them his and they call him theirs. We’ve been together since my two year old was an infant and although they see their father almost every weekend, my two year old calls my man dad and even my 8 year old slips up with it sometimes.

I told him I don’t trust him in any way and as of now I have no security in this relationship but I’ve accepted his plea to give him another chance. I told him even if he tells me it’s raining outside I’ll still have to look for myself because his word means nothing to me anymore. I told him I don’t see him the same way because he was okay with hurting me again. It will take time but hopefully we can mend our relationship. As uncomfortable as I am with the relationship at this point, I didn’t see it completely fit to leave him over this when he does clearly need help, and the fact that he is so good to us and my kids would be heartbroken over something this simple to fix, when he is perfect in every other way.

Another update. I realize that probably no one will read at this point but it still helps to type it out. He admitted tonight that it’s the stress of my 8 year old that caused him to go back. Let me say I’ll be the FIRST to tell y’all I understand that. My son is ADHD, ODD (defiance disorder), and is the reincarnate of his abusive father. He says the most hurtful things, screams, and has been physical a few times. He is in therapy and everything so that part is taken care of and isn’t the point. But I’ve had a nagging feeling since early in that my having 2 kids might be too much for him. He has no kids, except the one on the way. He treats them amazing, that’s not a concern at all, but it is what is stressing him to going back to alcohol. He loves them I have zero doubt. I feel like us being here with him just makes his life hellish. I feel like he’d be happier without us. I know he says he wouldn’t, but I think he would. He’d have no stress over it and wouldn’t have my son being mean to him. Telling him the MOST hurtful things he can. The constant screaming and disrespect. Maybe we’re just too much for him to handle but he doesn’t want to give up on us. I’m not sure. But I think he’d be happier without us here. Not sure if I should stay or go, for his sake.