I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to live. I hate my life. As I sit here and type this, I know I must have postpartum depression. I have everything going for me. A loyal husband, two beautiful children, my graduation in May with my bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice. I’m not ugly or unhappy with my body. It is just.too.much. I am a stay at home mom of an (almost) three year old and a two month old. But it’s just too much. My husband is a good guy but he just doesn’t help with the kids anymore. Our three year old is wild and I can’t go anywhere with her. She constantly defies me and never listens. I try to keep her clean but she rolls on the nasty floor or eats crap she picks up. I try to be a good mom, I really do. I correct her, punish her if need be, and I try to show her all the love she could want. She, alone, is too much for me. My smallest one is pretty alright. His personality is pretty chill but sometimes he cries and cries over a gassy tummy. When he cries, the toddler cries or asks for something 1,000xs and I just.cant.do.it. I need help. I get so frustrated. I can’t even pee or feed myself because one of them needs something. I go days without bathing because my husband throws a tantrum if he has to hold the baby for a couple minutes. I understand he works and wants to come home and relax, but where is my time off? I don’t get lunch breaks or time off. I’m at my job 24/7, 7 days a week. Motherhood has no end time. Even when we are together, he acts like the children are my responsibility.

Oh someone is crying? Here comes mother to fix it. If I don’t do something, the children go neglected. Let them cry it out, he says...but I can’t stand to listen to the baby cry for 20 minutes. It just takes a little comfort to console him. Oh you don’t like that the house is a mess? Sorry, once I clean our toddler runs through and destroys it again. You think I sleep in too late? Well yeah, I’m up till 3am doing homework because it’s the only time I get silence.

But I am still tired. I am tired and worn out. I’m tired of not feeling good enough for anyone and I’m tired of giving too much of myself to everyone else. I’ve tried talking to my husband but he just says I’m overly sensitive and I just need to get over it. I’ve come to the conclusion that he may not be the person I wanted to marry. He isn’t supportive and that’s something I really need right now. I’m drowning...I’m screaming for help...and no one is listening. I don’t know if it’s just me that’s broken or if it’s my marriage. Please help.