I hate myself

I've never really loved me. But I've been on a self loathing trip for the last year or so. I have never been this uncomfortable with myself. Apparently I'm attractive but I just dont see it. People think I'm smart and resourceful but I'm actually a little stupid. I'm getting fat and I've always been annoying and loser ish. Last night, I thought my husband was sleeping and I kept hearing myself say I hate myself in my head. So I started to say it out loud while I was in the kitchen doing the dishes. Then it became a song about how I'm a loser and I really thought that if I just said it out loud I would feel less shitty. Well no. This morning my husband mentioned that he heard me and assumed it was because we were having less sex and now I feel even more dumb. I was shocked and embarrassed that he heard me and therefore I didn't know what the fuck to say. I was speechless and really couldn't bring myself to explain. And im just done with this day.

Before anybody asks why I'm in a relationship when I can't love myself it's because I'm the best me with him. But when I'm alone or hes asleep I remember that I'm a loser.