Today is November 25. My husband and I feel like we have lived an entire lifetime in the past month +1 day. It’s the +1 day that gets me. I could view this day as a day that breaks that month. It can maybe help me reflect on my “chemical pregnancy”. Some call it that. I’ve read threads about wondering whether it’s a miscarriage at all. Whether it’s a real loss. Now that I’m “out” of this month I can maybe speak to that with some knowledge and some experience.

The month began with the death of my husband’s father. A man in his 50s dies of a heart attack without warning. A sweet man. A generous man.

My husband says not to cancel our trip on the other end of the world. Its already booked and maybe it’ll help keep our mind off of things.

That was the plan. Three days in, we get a call. Our dog dies of a heart attack without warning. A dog who could not possibly have more personality, or be more loved.

So maybe some good news when a day after we get back, I get it. A BFP. We were beyond excited. For a few days, I knew this was it. I was becoming a mom. Something I’ve always dreamed of.

And then. Five days later. Our “baby” dies. Without warning. In a Dicks Sporting Goods Or maybe before, but the symptoms start there.

We rushed to any doctor we could find that would be open on a Saturday night. He takes a blood test. “You’re so lucky to have gotten pregnant on the decond month” he says. “Bleeding is normal. I wouldn’t worry about it”

The next day. November 24. He calls with the results. They look “ominous” he says. He describes the chemical pregnancy.

I read all I can about it. I read the debate on whether it is really a miscarriage.

As someone who has experienced loss this “month”a day after this “month” has ended, this is comparable, and heartbreaking. No matter what anyone says, this baby, regardless of whether or not it was ever even a baby, rounds out this month of devastating loss. Here’s to hope. And to the future. And to recognizing that there was a loss there, and it is raw, and it is real.