I just want to get all of this out into the open because I don’t really have many people to talk about this topic with. I know that bottling it up isn’t good, and I’ve been doing it for the past almost 6 months.

In February of this year, I got married to the love of my life. This post isn’t about our marriage. In fact, we’re better than ever before and are so so in love. It’s about the fact that I feel so lost after miscarrying a baby that we weren’t planning for.

In May of this year, we were home on Humanitarian orders through the marine corps to take care of my mother in law who was suffering with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Our sole focus when we were home was to watch after her and make sure she wasn’t in any pain that we could control. Around this time, I had planned to switch birth controls. I was previously on the pill, but due to some hormonal issues, I had decided it was best to get the IUD. Between these two methods, my OBGYN’s office had dropped the ball on their behalf and it took almost two months longer for me to get the IUD ordered. So, I took matters into my own hands and decided to go through planned parenthood.

Before this, however, I was not taking the pills and we were not using any form of birth control. I am very familiar with my body and I know when I am ovulating upon inspecting cervical mucus and basal body temperature. My husband knew this as well, but we still proceeded to have unprotected sex. I believe my cycle had been disrupted due to the fact that I had stopped taking my pills after almost a year and a half, which is why I wasn’t expecting to ovulate at that time which is also why I wasn’t inspecting my CM.

So lo and behold, I fell pregnant.

But it wasn’t all butterflies and happiness. Instead, it was “what are we going to do?” and “we can’t take care of a baby, not in this time.” My husbands mother was on her deathbed. The last thing he wanted was to bring a life into this world when he was going through something such as that. And I don’t blame him for suggesting having an abortion. Trust me, I completely understood.

But what I wasn’t prepared for was the miscarriage and how I handled it. Great, the fetus or whatever it was at that stage, was gone. Out of site, out of mind. No more worrying about bringing a child into this world at this time.

Except my chest felt heavy. I felt empty. I saw all of these images flash before my eyes. A little boy running to me, calling me mommy. My husband laughing as he played with us and tickled us.

I felt so guilty after miscarrying. Like it was the universes way of saying “you don’t have to worry about YOUR mistake. we got it from here.”

I still look at the pictures of my pregnancy tests and I still get the pit in my stomach when I see the pink lines.

I just wish I could get past this. 6 months later and I still feel as empty as I did then.