As long as it isn’t flirting?

Question

Me and my SO have been together 8 years, and a year ago we decided to split up. We both ended up dating other people (6months), we decided to meet up and talk and came to an agreement that this wasn’t how we wanted things and broke it off with our rebound relationships.
After getting back together, we decided to move across the state since “she” lived across the street and it was totally uncomfortable.
During that time I asked him if he blocked her and he said “I don’t have to because she doesn’t reach out to me” I was upset and ask that he blocked her.
I blocked the person I was with no questions asked, out of respect and thought it was the right thing to do.
We’ve now been in this new place going on a year, and this morning is when it all started.
We were having our normal am shower together and he said “I’m trying here, I want us to have a better life than we’ve both had”
I responded “yes, I see you and thank you for everything you do for us”
He truly supports me in every way possible including financially, physically, emotionally and mentally. We have a beautiful home and I want for nothing!
The topic came up about how he loves me and only me and any other person will know that, and if anyone would write him either by phone email or social media that he’ll talk and chat with them because I should trust him since he’s never hurt me.
So immediately I get a red flag, and say well “what if she writes you?” And he said “I’ll respond to her because she might need closure and as long as I’m not flirting then I can because I’m grown and can control myself”
I thought you fucking blocked her
“Uh I don’t know, I think I did” 
What In the total fuck!???
At this point he’s already stepped out and is drying off and I’m still washing the same parts over and over not realizing because I’m pissed.
I said “has she written you, and is this why you are saying this?” And he does the famous high pitched “no” 
Another red flag!
I get out and dry off and he’s saying that “I need to stop being insecure and realize that he only loves me and to get out of my own head”
He mentioned again that he’s grown (41) and can talk to whoever he wants as long as it isn’t cheating, including his ex”
Me (30) doesn’t entertain ANYONE at all out of respect for my relationship.
Anyone else a random person I wouldn’t really care but his ex!?
I keep hearing “as long as it isn’t cheating” and frankly it makes my blood boil.
Why should he give a shit about someone he barley even knew and if she has closure, I thought that happened we we BOTH broke things off last year!?
I’m trying to remain calm because I’m a teacher and my students will be here soon and I also don’t want to talk to him about this because he said what it will be if/when it happens and I need to look “inward” and stop seeing the little picture of it.
Basically it’s “deal with it”
Am I overreacting at all?
Any advice?
Signed
Who fights and argues at 6 in the morning?

Answer

The open communication would bug the fuck out of me too, what could they possibly want to talk about if you’ve both moved on?
You blocked your ex but it’s ok that he hasn’t blocked her or that he “doesn’t remember?” BS!
I think it’s about respect and not figuring out “why she bother you so much” or if you “trust him then it’s ok” 
This isn’t right and he’s wrong for this, but what is she do when he said that’s how it’s going to be and stop being insecure.
I don’t think ok to talk to talk to ex’s and relive old moments! 
Especially when you have moved on!
Recipe for disaster!

Answer

I mean, either you trust him or you don’t. And if you don’t move on. He shouldn’t have to block anyone if he has your trust. I still text my ex-husband when things come up and my current husband has no issue with it, because he trusts me, and I chose him, and I respect him. No conversation about anything is going to change that. I think you’re overreacting. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Answer

I think you need to figure out why she bothers you so much. You both dated other people. She doesn’t live near you anymore, you said you moved across the state.
Subconsciously is something else going on in your relationship? 8 years is a long time invested if you also want an engagement/marriage. You’ve been back together a year, is something missing?

Answer

Ugh. I feel you there. 
It for sure is lots of red flags in relation to her. 
I’d suggest asking him for a sit down conversation sometime this evening if possible. Use -I- statements, express how it makes you feel. “I feel really upset that you’re willing to still talk to her. It makes me feel a bit disrespected. I would really appreciate it if you would block her. I’m really trying to move past it all and have this great new life. I would really like to leave the past in the past. Is this something you would agree to?” Obviously use your own words and go with what feels right. 
He, of course, already sounds a bit defensive in your shower convo. So hopefully, turning it around and making I statements should help.

Answer

If your are on the account go to your phone company and have her number blocked lol

Answer

Maybe you ask him if hes good with you keeping things open with other guys. How does he feel about it?

Answer

I understand and sympathize with what you’re feeling but I’m not sure the circumstances you’ve outlined warrant this much energy and anxiety from you. There’s an underlying story you’re telling yourself here and it has nothing to do with him. 
. 
You moved far away, what’s the threat?
You said things have been amazing, what makes you believe that could be taken from you?
He’s demonstrated commitment and communicates his love & intentions openly, what could a fleeting ex do to change that? Do you not trust him? Believe him?
She hasn’t reached out, she’s probably with someone else by now- why does he have to block her for you to feel safe?
. 
The truth is- you both dated other people and mutually decided to make this work. He is on this journey WITH YOU. Made the same choices AS YOU. And ultimately chose 👉🏾you👈🏾 Isn’t that enough?
. 
If your anxiety is about her not being blocked then this isn’t about him. This is your story and it’s probably been churning since you were a child.
. 
Does the statement “not good enough” and “what if” trigger anything in you?
. 
YOU are SOOOO enough. He can’t do anything other than choose you to prove that. The work on your end is convincing YOURSELF that you’re enough. 💚

Answer

He doesn’t need to have her blocked but he shouldn’t even respond if she hits him up ! That’s just my opinion, I’m petty I’d probably unblock my ex to see if he likes it , even tho I wouldn’t communicate with him !

Answer

I must admit I can kinda see both sides here. 
Both me and my partner had blocked our most recent exes. Just because they ended badly etc etc. But now neither of us have them blocked. Because actually we are secure enough in our own relationship and fully trust each other. 
I know for sure that if my ex messaged me, I would not even be tempted to go back there. And neither would my boyfriend. So it doesn’t matter if they made conversation because neither of us would flirt with them, and would shut down any attempt for them to do so. So if they wanted closure that would be fine. 
But if it bothers you and you think there’s more to it- then trust your gut and have that conversation with him.

Answer

I’m not normally one to say “you can’t talk to your ex” but you respectfully asked him to block her and he said ok. Now he is saying he doesn’t know and will talk to whoever he wants because he’s grown? That’s great but a GROWN man has respect for his significant other. You told him you aren’t comfortable with it so he should respect that and put you above anyone else. I would ask him if you spoke to your ex how would he feel? If he doesn’t like it then you have your answer that he doesn’t respect you at all and you need to part ways.

As long as it isn’t flirting?

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