It's been over 2 years since my last positive pregnancy test. Was on meds for a long time until my currant Doc. pulled me off of them. I hated him for a while cuz they were the only reasons i conceived at all. Of course we never got to the bottom of why i kept miscarrying. Assholes double charged me and then ordered a bunch of tests my insurance refused to touch and i couldn't afford to pay for them. Left me heartbroken.

Every time I thought maybe it's my turn I'd test and regretted my entire life for hoping. I was in really bad shape, truely stuck in a depressed state for Man almost 5 years. Up until about this Sept/August. Before that I've told my husband I can't do it anymore, but he'd encourage me to keep trying cuz he knew how much I wanted to be a true mommy. (I'm a step mommy) Well I made the choice that I really couldn't do it anymore, I was killing myself hoping for something I needed to just let go of. I needed to be happy again.

I've changed so much pushed past the hard months that always brought me down. (October seemed to be the month I always lost my babies) Now here's the kicker...

I'm currently CD 40. I don't want to test..every time I did in the past when I'd reach CD 35 I'd end up in traumatic state. Either with another miscarriage or a BFN. Yesterday I thought, ok just for sanity sake if I make it to today without starting I'll test. But I didn't I dont want to still, I'm scared.

I just came downstairs and this piece of mail was on the counter for me. It's baby life insurance. I only opened it cuz I thought it was something from my kidney Doc. Idk what to think and I'm trying not to lose my shit. This is cruel universe type stuff.