Afraid to Test
It's been over 2 years since my last positive pregnancy test. Was on meds for a long time until my currant Doc. pulled me off of them. I hated him for a while cuz they were the only reasons i conceived at all. Of course we never got to the bottom of why i kept miscarrying. Assholes double charged me and then ordered a bunch of tests my insurance refused to touch and i couldn't afford to pay for them. Left me heartbroken.
Every time I thought maybe it's my turn I'd test and regretted my entire life for hoping. I was in really bad shape, truely stuck in a depressed state for Man almost 5 years. Up until about this Sept/August. Before that I've told my husband I can't do it anymore, but he'd encourage me to keep trying cuz he knew how much I wanted to be a true mommy. (I'm a step mommy) Well I made the choice that I really couldn't do it anymore, I was killing myself hoping for something I needed to just let go of. I needed to be happy again.
I've changed so much pushed past the hard months that always brought me down. (October seemed to be the month I always lost my babies) Now here's the kicker...
I'm currently CD 40. I don't want to test..every time I did in the past when I'd reach CD 35 I'd end up in traumatic state. Either with another miscarriage or a BFN. Yesterday I thought, ok just for sanity sake if I make it to today without starting I'll test. But I didn't I dont want to still, I'm scared.
I just came downstairs and this piece of mail was on the counter for me. It's baby life insurance. I only opened it cuz I thought it was something from my kidney Doc. Idk what to think and I'm trying not to lose my shit. This is cruel universe type stuff.
Let's Glow!
Achieve your health goals from period to parenting.