Hate it so much

I am absolutely disgusted with myself... I struggled with an eating disorder in my preteen and teen years. I was very underweight and my parents took me to a doctor and I had to start a food diary. Easy enough to fake.

I was sooo skinny. Looking back I now see I looked like I was on drugs. But now. I’m “better” and almost 200lbs. I can’t find a middle ground. Even when I was just skin and bones I never realized it. Never. Not once did I see myself as skinny. I thought I was fat. I hated my body. I would KILL to go back. I’ve had three kids and I just can’t shake this extra weight. I’ve tried dieting and going things the “right” way. Nothing is working... I wish a doctor would consider helping me.

I am more than likely (only being honest because it’s anonymous) going to go back to my eating disorder.

I was 100lbs when my husband met me. He didn’t sign up for this. I look awful. I’m literally embarrassed to go out with him and meet his coworkers because I don’t want them to point out to him that he could do 100x better than me.. so I just don’t go. I know he noticed my weight. He doesn’t like when I talk bad about myself but I KNOW he sees what i see. He does deserve more. I’ll do anything to lose weight