Envisioning my first time was something that was conjured in my mind like everything I had ever read, watched, and dreamt about. That yeah, there would be some pain, but it would then be pleasurable throughout. Partners blown away by the sensations of feeling whole, feeling inexplicable pleasure and coming undone that feels utterly divine and ephemeral.

Or so I had thought, my first time felt...unsatisfying. Afterwards, I had felt guilty and miserable.

I was afraid of the pain, I wanted my first time to be comfortable for the both of us. I wanted him to be satisfied as much as myself. But all I felt was pain, and then I began to bleed. Then little waves of pleasure with a few thrusts, and it over.

I felt disappointed with myself, I felt I had provided little pleasure and was unsatisfied. My partner did not touch me after it, and I was left feeling starved and miserable.

But I felt persistent, I wanted to try and try again until I felt I could take him without the miserable pain. But I kept feeling it, it stung and was uncomfortable. I wanted to please him and I, but I couldn’t seem to get him to fit like I wanted. Any time I felt able, it was short lasted.

For the past few months I kept trying, but why was masturbating so much easier than actually doing it?

Though I never used actual toys before, I used other objects around the house and they were much smaller. I was satisfied with clitoral stimulation and just fingering myself. But I was lacking that fullness, and I figuratively and literally felt empty.

I tried to talk to my doctors but they seemed to leave me with little answers.

When I have sex it is painful, I feel so small in comparison to him, and it embarrassed me that I can’t do it. I did manage to get an actual toy, but I also seem to have trouble bottoming it all the way. It makes me feel ashamed of my body more so than I already feel towards it.

Do you have any solutions?