This is the real; and the raw. This picture was taken this morning. Paisley so excited she’s going to be a big sister. I had an OB appt at 1030am to talk about genetic testing for the baby; and to see the baby on the monitor and listen to its heartbeat. At 1010 I was called back to the room. By 1019 the doctor was searching for a heartbeat of the baby. At 1020, the doctors face changed. The look in his eyes, the look at the screen, how hard he was pushing to find a heartbeat... it’s something I will never forget. By 1022 the doctor was looking at me; holding back his tears, telling me “I cannot find a heartbeat I’m going to send you in for a emergency ultrasound”. The tears set in, I was sobbing; hyperventilating, was this really what he just said to me? Less then a week ago everything was fine; the baby’s heart was beating at 117 bpm. “Kelsi, I’m so sorry, maybe I just didn’t see it, I’m

second guessing myself so let’s have someone else look okay?” I sat in another room for what felt like days, eternity, forever.. a knock on the door, finally. It’s the radiologist, who wants to do my ultrasound. “So what brought you in, cramping, clotting, bleeding?” No, none, I didn’t have ONE symptom, not one thing that would hint that I was loosing my precious baby. Not one damn thing. They did the ultrasound and kept telling me “I’m so sorry mama we’re almost done I’m so sorry”, and that was my hint. Back to the room we went to see the doctor for results. He walked in, tear filled eyes, “I’m so sorry Kelsi we have completed the process and neither of us found a heartbeat. There are options, but right now you should go home and process what’s going on”. I’ve been crying since 1020. My hearts broken, devastated.. I don’t even know what to think. “This isn’t your fault Kelsi, these things happen unfortunately”. How can you tell me that when right now I feel like the worlds worst mom, like everything is my fault. I’m so broken. I hope heaven treats my baby good; and I hope you always remember how much I love you little bean. 😭 your sister and I will miss you so so so so much.