Hi guys. I’m so desperate for help. I’ve been in “recovery” for 16 years. I call it “recovery” lightly because I’ve had consistent behaviors for the entirety of 16 years, I just haven’t been in treatment consistently since I was 11. I’ve seen countless therapists and nutritionists for many years and i can’t get away from my ED. Lately, I feel like whether I binge or restrict, work out or don’t, I gain weight. I’m recognizing this may be hormonal, or my metabolism slowing, or my body finally giving up and saying it’s done with this cycle. I don’t know how to deal. I’m terrified of being bigger. My ED and my body image defines my happiness. It has for many years. But I’m so done counting and restricting and purging and binging and working out for x minutes per day. I want to eat what I want. I want to work our because it makes me feel strong, not because of what I ate and I have to or else. I’m just so sick of this. I feel like there’s no hope to ever break free.