Just venting

I'm so hopeless and lost in life right now.

In January of this year, my husband got a job as a truck driver, so since he was going to be gone for months as a time, we decided it would be best for me to move in with my mother (who at the time was divorcing my father).

So we all figured both myself and my mother could save money by living together. Their house was paid for, but because the divorce, my father dropped homeowners insurance and my mother got renter's insurance.

Well in May a tree fell on the house. Crushing it right down the middle. It was going to cost more to fix it than it was worth. Because she only had renter's insurance, only the valuables in the house was covered, so maximum a few grand. So here I am basically homeless, I move on the truck with my husband, giving up my job. I'm on the truck until September.

Fast forward to September and I come back to my home state and stay with my sister for about a month and a half. I got my old job back and my husband and I try to catch up on missed bills due to having only one income.

End of October, my husband quits his job as a truck driver because he was ultimately losing money as an owner op. He was paying $1,300 a week just for truck payment. Barely bringing home $800 a month after all payments. Within a week he has a job. But we quickly realized my husband and I can't stay at my sister's place. (4 adults and 3 kids in a 2 bedroom house. My husband and I staying in the living room) we decided to stay at my grandmother's for a bit.

We found an apartment in early November and sign lease and move in by November 15th. It's slow going getting furniture in, we have a mattress on the floor, no couch, a tv in the living room and no other furniture really. I'm fine with it being slow going because I know we don't make a lot of money. We only make $12/hr, we don't have savings, so I know it's going to be slow moving.

Beginning of December, I feel myself slipping into a depressive state. I start coming in late due to oversleeping because I can't get myself to sleep at night. I start calling out because I just want to stay in bed. Last week I ultimately lost my job because I'm in my 'probationary period' which is 6 months after hire date, which was initially going to be my original hire date (January), but the company switched it back to November.

So here we are again back down to 1 income. We owe $600 to insurance by the 20th or we lose our car insurance. And our rent is due by the first ($800) and my husband will make maximum $700 between now and the first.

It honestly seems like life is against us. I want to see a psychiatrist for my depression but obviously can't afford one. I feel like it's 1 step forward 10 steps back. I thought about giving up a few weeks ago but kept fighting just for this to happen. like what's the point in fighting now?

Everyone keeps reminding me that I could and probably should have died when the tree fell because I was sleeping on the couch and the tree fell right across the couch, literally inches from crushing my waist. The ceiling collapsed on me and pinned me to the couch. The main beams fell on me and one of those large nails scratched my forhead where it could have went into my head.

I believe in God but I'm at this point of why did he spare me just to put me through this bullshit.