Losing faith

I got pregnant for the first time in January. I prayed and prayed that everything would be okay and it turned out being completely NOT okay. I had a molar pregnancy which only happens in 1 in 1500 pregnancies. And then on top of that, I was the 1 in 100 or something that requires chemotherapy because the “mole” aka tumor grew back. I had 17 weeks of chemo. Then after 5 months of blood tests after that to make sure my hcg returned to 0, I got pregnant again and I was SURE this was the one. I felt different and I prayed and prayed and I asked for signs and there they were....and then I miscarried again. It was a chemical so it was really early and not early as intense as my molar but still, a loss. I’m a healthy 23 year old. No medical problems. I see everyone around me get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and I just cry and wonder why me? I’m in a loving relationship with my husband of 5 years (yes, I was married young) we waited until I got my bachelors degree to start trying for a baby. That’s when the molar happened.

I’m pregnant again. I have no problems GETTING pregnant, it’s staying pregnant that’s the problem. I have my ultrasound to determine if everything looks normal this Friday and I’m preparing for another gut-wrenching ultrasound where I leave the room bawling. I just cant see myself getting good news. And I don’t know what I did to deserve this. I haven’t really prayed for everything to be okay because all the other times I did—-it didn’t work.

I know, “God’s timing” and “everything happens for a reason” and “god doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle” but I feel like such failure and if I miscarry again, I’ll need antidepressants and therapy, not sure God can help me.