This is going to be long so thank you if you get through it! I need help or advice.

My husband and I have been married three years this January. He grew up not learning how to deal with conflict so he’s super chill until he gets upset and he has had verbally explosive outbursts, in some cases where he has broken things. He isn’t one for listening and absolutely refuses to go to counseling or bother reading any marriage books with me. I used to chase him during conflict, beg him to work with me on things, but I’ve realized it’s a waste of energy so I instead shut down and just stay away when he’s like that.

He has improved in some sense that now he’ll apologize, but only if I do first. He doesn’t listen during conflict, isn’t focused on understanding, gets insanely defensive, and I recognize manipulative and controlling patterns in his choice of words. If I apologize, he’ll calm down and sometimes listen to my perspective and then he’ll apologize.

I have a ten year old from a prior marriage and an 8.5 month old with my current husband (his first child).

Our life operates very much around being responsible. We both work full time, he does the yard work and cleans the pool, we eat at home most of the time, keep a clean house, etc. I do the drop offs and pickups with kids and he often works late hours. We never eat dinner together. When he’s home, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, including the weekends. He stays up super late, sleeps in super late, etc. If we agree to go somewhere together, it’s usually hours later than I thought because he ends up getting distracted by something else. It really frustrates me but I’ve learned to accept it.

If I have something coming up that I want him to participate in (like hang out with friends or take family pictures), he often tells me I can go but he doesn’t want to. If I try to pick my battle and ask him to compromise, he’ll tell me I’m forcing and controlling him. Instead of seeing it as a marital compromise for the person you love.

He grew up not really celebrating birthdays and holidays, and I grew up where those were big deals. I tend to be more minimalistic now but still like to get my kids things that they need and a couple things they want.

He makes comments regularly when I get the kids things they need and especially for birthdays and Christmas. But he’ll buy himself completely unnecessary things all day long and say he can because he works hard. He does, but still. I do too.

So, Christmas <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a>, my older daughter and I were making cookies in the evening and I hoped he would come hang out with us but he didn’t. So midnight rolls around and I’m heading to bed. I tell him we need to leave to my grandmas house by 10 AM, so need to get up with enough time for breakfast, presents, and to get ready. He says okay and I go to bed.

Baby is still nursing and she was up about 2 AM to eat. I noticed the TV was still on and I knew the next morning would be a struggle. I’m sick BTW, but I wake up at 7 AM to make breakfast. At 8:30, I came in to tell him what time it was and he needed to get up so we had enough time for everything. He said “not now” and ignored me and went back to sleep.

He didn’t get up until 9:30 and only because the baby woke up. He eats the cold breakfast and goes into the room where the tree is and turns on an adult movie (not porn, just not a kid-friendly one). I asked him to change it so we could open presents. He said “I can go watch it in the other room” and gets up. I said “you can’t sacrifice 30 minutes to enjoy your daughter’s first Christmas with the family?” He went into the other room.

Anyway, lots of me trying to reason with him led to him cursing at me and eventually telling me (within earshot of the kids) to “fucking go”. So I cried, we opened gifts without him, and went to my grandmas, a couple hours late (also a two hour drive away).

When I came home and tried talking to him, he basically tried to make it sound like he was justified behaving that way because I was “so disrespectful” when I tried waking him up. I told him maybe I wasn’t loving, but I wasnt disrespectful or rude and definitely didn’t deserve any of what he did. I also told him how heartbroken I was that he ditched us on what was a meaningful day for me.

He said he was fine missing it and that I make it all about me, blah blah blah.

We have a trip to Mexico leaving on the 30th. So, when I texted him today to fully express how upset I was, he said we should cancel the trip because he won’t be able to relax and enjoy it.

This is where the controlling parts come in. I can tell he wants me to apologize for “being disrespectful” so I do it to appease him. He just says “sorry I cursed.”

I don’t know what to do. I’m not into the divorce-happy advice that flippantly gets thrown around. He refuses counseling. I’ve gone myself and maybe I need a different one but it didn’t help. I feel like I’m usually humble and self aware and that I bend to his needs so often that it’s preaching to the choir.

He isn’t self aware, isn’t humble, and worst of all, isn’t reachable.

I can see how toxic and immature his behavior is but I can’t make the horse drink, as they say...