Lying about breastfeeding..

I don't know what I dislike more, direct breastfeeding or pumping. I've been having a hard time in general since giving birth and my hubby has been so supportive. We both share the same feelings about not wanting to formula feed. I know he will understand but I do not want to disappoint him the way I have disappointed myself. I have managed to create a mini stack that we are currently using. I still pump but only to relieve myself from the pain. And only for enough time to do so even if I still have more milk. Which is now 10 to 20 minutes and 2-3 times a day. And I still cry every time when he isn't home. I'm slowly losing my supply and know I will eventually dry up and im doing it on purpose. I think in a way I am doing this to fool myself and him. I feel so shitty.