Honestly I'm just writing that to get this off of my chest. I don't really want to talk to anyone about it but just get it out of my head.

So like most women I have insecurities with my body growing up. I have a beautiful sister and I was always her sister and never noticed or looked at as sexy till I was probably in my mid twenties. Then I had issues because I didn't really realize I was my own self. I still don't to a degree and I know thats fucked up.

Well I got married a little over a year ago and when we first started dating it was amazing. I had known him for years and finally he asked me out. We couldn't get enough of one another. We get engaged and then marriage comes and a shift happens. I still can't get enough of him but he can. There has been medical problems with him...low testosterone but he has started shots and for a while it was great. Then something happened and I don't know what. Anyway I decided to do something special for him on Christmas night. I had bought a schoolgirl outfit, deep throat spray, and some other things. We get back from visiting family on Christmas around 6 so I start cleaning up and putting things away then I got to the bathroom and begin getting ready for him. I was so excited because I love pleasing him and i was super ready for a wonderful evening. Well he knew about my plans ahead of time and comes into the bathroom while I'm getting ready. He asks if we can wait till the weekend since we had to work the next day. I said ok that ok. But honestly my heart sunk. I was so disappointed and felt rejected. I thought for sure he and I were going to have a wonderful evening but he didn't want to. So I took off the outfit and put on my pjs. I then went to a dark place. A place I haven't been for a long time. I'm still there. I feel so ugly and useless and unwanted. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me but he did. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was confident in our marriage but I'm not. I have my reasons for not being confident because we would go over a month without sex and even though I know it was medical I felt it was me. I know its wrong to feel this way in my head. I know this in my head but my heart is the problem. I'm heartbroken. I just want to not feel like this anymore. I don't know how to or if its even possible to.