I am sitting here waiting for my period to start fully. I'm crampy, sad, and tired.

What I've hoped for, for years feels as though its slipping through my fingers. No children. Many people have tried for years longer than me. I've tried for many years longer than some. Going into the 6th year of struggling to have a baby feels like its finally taken its toll. I feel that there is no hope for me to have any. I never even get to test. My period visites faithfully so there is no need to. I've prayed, pleaded, fasted, cried, and waited. I've tried a little of everything and all of nothing. I mourned over my miscarriage. The one and only very wanted child. The tiny babe that didnt make it. I dream about what my life could be like now if they had lived. What would we learn about today. Would we have made Christmas cookies over the holidays? A ginger bread house covered in snow white icing and rainbow candies? Would they have liked hot cocoa with marshmallows? His eyes or mine?

I feel it may be time to mourn my loss of fertility and move on. How do I do that when the only thing I've wanted to do is have a child? Should I try to muster up hope again? I feel that I may be just done with the whole idea. I now shy away from thoughts of giving birth even more than I used to. Do I no longer want to try? What should I do?

My heart hurts. Seeing other Families with children makes my heart hurt. I just want this pain to stop.