Broken trust, vaping

Sorry this is so long...Here is the situation. I am a female (40+ y/o) in a long term, committed (3+ years) relationship. My male partner and I are both divorced and have found true happiness and love with each other. Our relationship is solid, we are both independent with our own interests and hobbies, but also enjoy a good bit of quality time together. I tend to be the more affectionate and attentive one, and have up until this point been OK with our differences because I know he does love me even if he is not as demonstrative as I am.

When we first met, I was very clear on my position on tobacco use. As an ex-smoker (14 years clean) I absolutely despise cigarettes and think vaping is just downright stupid. I get that it can help smokers of cigarettes quit, but vaping just to vape? Dumb. We had talked about our past tobacco use, he stated that “back in the day” he would have a cigarette now and then especially if drinking. He was never a heavy or regular smoker, that I know of.

Just past our 3 year anniversary, about 3 months ago, I found out my partner was vaping. This was shocking as he is extremely active, and plays sports 3–4 times a week, works out, and is in really good shape. When I asked about it he was very forthcoming and stated he wanted to either tell me or quit before I found out, and was in general contrite and apologetic. He said he wasn’t vaping when we met. When I asked when and why he took it back up he started to say it was at a time during a family tragedy, but I knew he had been doing so well before and called him out on that. This is the first time he has hidden anything from me or attempted to lie to me, that I know of.

This has been so difficult to process, and quite honestly has put me in a tailspin ever since. My confidence in our relationship is shook. See above with me being the more affectionate one, I have become so insecure if he’s even a little bit distant or preoccupied, I am clingy, possessive, and I don’t know who I am. I immediately start thinking he’s not happy with me, what did I do wrong, what has his attention that I don’t have?

My past marriage was full of mistrust, subversive and coercive behaviors, my ex always had a hidden agenda or something up his sleeve and it is extremely difficult for me to trust anyone. This discovery has shaken the foundation of our relationship for me, and I am questioning everything. He has never given me any reason to mistrust before. I even started going to therapy, rather than discussing with my friends as I don’t want them to think less of him for it. PS: Maybe it’s the therapist but it’s not helping.

He stated he doesn’t do it often, uses a very low nicotine, never in front of anyone…his goal was to quit by New Years. We had a follow up conversation about his plan to quit and he said he would gradually cut back to zero nicotine.

Since then, I have just been agonizing over this. In general, if a grown adult wants to vape then so be it. My issue is this: if I had known on our first date that he vaped there wouldn’t have been a second date. Also, if he had come clean about it early on in our relationship, while we were getting to know each other, I don’t know that I’d have such a hurt reaction to it. He had even come clean about some medication he was taking, pretty early on in our time together, that he wanted me to know about and I was understanding and appreciated him being open and honest with me and did not judge him for it at all.

As the end of the year approaches, I asked about the goal to quit. He stated quitting is harder than he thought, and was extending his goal a few months. Needless to say this left me gutted, and disappointed, and he knows it. While apologetic again, he is also becoming defensive, using phrases like “it could be worse, at least I’m not a drug addict” - which is such a ridiculous statement and a non issue for us or our lifestyle.

I’m a mess and can’t sleep or focus. I am trying not to go down the thought path of when this next goal rolls around, it will be pushed again, for some other reason.

I don’t even know if I’m looking for answers, maybe just somewhere to vent. At this point maybe it’s not so much the act of vaping but more so feeling betrayed that is getting to me.