Today I got depressed again after managing to have two consecutive happy and positive months in my year. I remembered how bad this year was for me, including my first heartbreak which has caused me a depression of 4 months, losing friends (again), being bullied and used and (thus) doing badly at school. And then remembered how isolated and hated I feel by society. People will stare at me with hate or ignore me, and this really kills me inside. Nobody knows how sad I was this year or at least nobody realized that I’m in pain. I would secretly cry in my room and listen to songs about suicide and then act fine to everyone.

This has stopped since early November, when I fell in love again, and my mood has changed. After November everything was great. I was happy, I listened to happy music and I rarely cried if at all. I started doing well at school and gained more confidence. And then, my friends started bullying me, but I didn’t want to admit it. I went with the flow because I’d hate to lose them. I’m tired of losing friends. That’s what always happens with me, they always use me and leave me (sometimes until they need me again).

So I experienced peer pressure recently and then realized what they really wanted to do. I’m generally the quiet person, the one that listens more but talks less. And the weird thing is that I’m braver than the louder ones. Anyway, my point is that, they know that clubbing, drinking and dancing is not my cup of tea. I can’t express myself through this. Yet they wanted me to go club with them. I felt that there was no way out of it, so I did. I left 1 hr earlier from the club than they did but it was so late still (3:30am!!!) They let me walk alone outside (and I was slightly drunk and dizzy), in my high heels, in a crowd full of super drunk and high people. I got so scared, I went home and sent them a message “Thank you so much for tonight, but never again” with a smiley face and when they asked me why I explained that we had so much fun together and the music was great but I don’t like staying up so late and also putting my parents in such tiring procedures. I said that we could find more ways to have fun together like going at restaurants and cafés, concerts and other activities that are better for our health also. They seemed understanding but didn’t necessarily agree with me. This was on the 26th.

Today, a friend lied to me to avoid meeting with me and also I’ve sent a concert event that I thought it would be nice of going at our group chat of 5 girls and they have seen it and just ignored it.

I feel like people just hate me. I’m boring and useless and nobody wants to hang out with me really. They just have benefits from me. So I got depressed again and I’m asking for help. This is what I found out on the internet and it has freaked me the hell out: