Some background - I’m 31 and on my second marriage. My first marriage wasn’t a particularly healthy relationship. We dated for 6 years before we got married, and after a year and a half, I broached the subject of quitting my birth control pill. It wasn’t a good match for my body, and I hated how it made me feel. My first husband wasn’t in any rush to have kids, and I didn’t want to pressure him, so I told him we can continue to use other methods of control if he wasn’t ready. He said at the time “if it happens it happens.”

We were never actively TTC, but after two years of no luck, it started taking an emotional toll on me. I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. My doc put me on meds, but around the same time, my husband suddenly seemed to lose interest in me. He gave me every excuse in the book, but the biggest one was I had gained too much weight, so he didn’t find me attractive anymore.

5 months after my diagnosis, he came home from work and told me his girlfriend was 4 months (!) pregnant. Saying I was devastated was a complete understatement. I felt like my whole life was collapsing before my eyes.

As I moved on from this disaster of a relationship, I learned how emotionally abusive and toxic that man was. I spent some time healing and focusing on myself and my well being. I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD, and put on anxiety medication.

I met my current husband on a dating app. His first marriage had been hell too. We have a very healthy relationship with lots of communication and support for each other. He has a son from his first marriage, but we both want more kids.

So we’re starting this TTC journey together, but I’m terrified. I know how hard it was on me before - how difficult it was to be around women who were pregnant or had young kids, the emotional toll it took on me and my first marriage. His first TTC experience, they got pregnant right away, so he doesn’t really understand my apprehension.

Anyone else out there struggling to embrace their current TTC journey because of a bad previous TTC journey?