I’m a new mom. I had my son at 19. He wasn’t on purpose but he’s everything to me and I would die for him. He’s a year old now and I didn’t feel incredibly depressed until now.. now I just cry all day. I feel lonely. My son is my best friend, the sweetest little boy but he can’t talk to me. he can’t hold me. He makes me happy when I’m down but he just can’t emotionally support me because he’s a baby.. My boyfriend works all the time so I’m just home alone. I miss my family. I miss my sisters. I miss my friends. I miss the people in my life who have died. the people who left. I want to be a kid again. I want to be young and see my family and my sisters and be a kid. I’m holding onto the hope that when my kid is older we will be able to have fun like I did when I was a kid.. I know it’s stupid that I’m a mom now and I’m worried about the past but it’s just hard for me. I’ve been depressed and anxious my whole life and it’s all crashing down on me. I think a lot of my problems with this are because I just feel so lonely. Nobody takes care of me. Nobody talks me through these things. If I message my mother she just says she’s sorry and that she loves me but no one comes to see me. Even if I see my friends or my sisters I just feel so out of it. So tired. So disassociated and depressed. I can’t even enjoy it when I do see them because I’m too busy being depressed. I wake up in the middle of the night next to my boyfriend and feel more alone than anything. It’s dark and I can’t see and it makes me panic. I feel like it’s kinda like my life, I have my beautiful baby but this darkness surrounds me and I don’t see the way out yet.. I hope it’s coming. i hope I will get out of this. I want to be there for my son and these feelings are making it hard. I just cry all the time. And I don’t talk to anyone about it. I’m going to my psychiatrist tomorrow and I hope he will put me back on the only medication that has ever helped me, but last time I tried he didn’t want me to take it because I was nursing. I just needed to talk to someone. I don’t want to feel alone anymore.