I feel trapped in a abusive relationship

I normally dont post on here and nobodies probably gonna read this but I just wanted to vent , I don't have any friends or anyone to talk too . I met this guy when I was 17 he was 27 . I'm 20 now and hes 30 now. I thought I fell in love with a sweet nice guy but I was wrong . After 6 months of knowing each other we moved in together when I was still 17, my mom gave me permission to because she thought he was a nice guy. Once we moved in together everything changed. And back story onto why I dont have many friends every female I've trusted has hurt me so I didn't wanna go thru that again so I closed myself out from gaining friendships , until I met the guy I'm with now on facebook . Once we moved in together he started to become abusive , if I said the wrong thing he would slap me in my mouth , punch me. Choke me out , push me into walls , push me on the floor, everyday and still till this day over 3 years later he calls me The B word everyday and MF and calls me stupid and retarded. After a few months of abuse I was tired of getting my neck purple or my face bruised so I started fighting back even tho he is way stronger than me and would hit me worse if I fought back, it still felt good to defend myself. Going into year 2 I left him for a month because I couldn't take it anymore. but during that month I found out I had a sti but he swore he never cheated on me . Even tho I constantly found his dating app profiles and multiple messages of him texting other girls even his ex behind my back. But also during that month I was so sad and depressed without him it was the worst month of my life , what was wrong with me? To still love and miss and want a man who hurts me . So a month later we got back together and he promised he would stop cheating and calling me names and hitting me . So its year 2 now and things get better for awhile until (also side note another thing that affects our relationship is his drug use hes addicted to weed and I know it sounds dumb like it's just weed right? But I don't smoke weed or do ny drugs or even drink I dont agree with that , but I accepted it because I loved him , but he would blow all our bill money on weed if he could , hes dependent on it and if he doesnt have it the abuse is worse if I dont get some money for more . I hate that he smokes and if I dont make sure he has constant weed to smoke the abuse gets worse for me ) back to what I was saying until one day we got into a argument and he slapped me and was going to choke me until I couldn't breathe until I kicked him and got him off of me so I called the cops and we were living in Louisiana at the time and before the cops came he told me bitch If I go to jail I'm leaving you , and I panicked I didn't mean to really call them I was just trying to scare him. So when the cops came in Louisiana if there is a domestic situation somebody has to go to jail , so I lied and said I started it and I went to jail I was 18 now. My mom bailed me out but I lied to her about why I went to jail. I always lied to her about our relationship making her think things were good but they weren't. After I got out of jail he told me it was my fault and that I make him hit me . Still into year 2 some days were good but most of them bad i cried and still do cry myself to sleep most nights I could be crying or sick and he would walk right past me and go play video games like I was nothing, I was in the hospital twice and I had to beg him just to come stay with me . He told me your not dying why do I have to come . And that bring me to another side note we barely go out and do things , and I dont want nothing fancy, I wanna do things like let's grocery shop together or go do laundry or go to outback steakhouse or when the car needs fixing sit at the car place with me because I dont know much about cars . Simple stuff like that I'm not into clubbing or partying . But i have to beg him to go somewhere with me or buy him weed just to make him go. He doesn't have a job right now but hes looking for another but it's hard because he cant pass a drug test. So he has to work bad paying jobs his last job he got into with his boss and got fired. So right now I'm supporting us . Now into year 3 sorry if I skipped some stuff in year 2 I'm kinda all over the place writing this. So onto year 3 he still calls me a bitch almost everyday and a MF he doesnt hit me as bad as he used too but he still pushes me into things and chokes me when he gets mad we have 2 holes in our room wall currently from him pushing me into the wall . I could ask him something and he gets mad . Everything I wanna talk about or ask about is stupid. For example if I say hey baby what took so long was it busy in the gas station , when he was just going in there to buy a cigar this happened a few days ago. He tells me wtf you asking me shit for stfu that's stupid shit it's none of your damn business and blows up on me .

The littlest things set him off If I say or do the wrong thing . And I can never say how I feel . His motto is hes the man what he says goes my opinion doesn't matter I just need to stfu and listen . And do what I'm told. Because when I try to say how I feel its world war 3 im not allowed to yell or get mad even tho he yells and screams in my face constantly and spits in my face. . We barely have sex anymore which is fine by me because I dont wanna do anything with him but I try to anyways daily to try to please him but he doesnt want it. He says I get on his nerves and piss him off constantly and hes not in the mood to have sex with me . I ask him all the time what did I do wrong I say baby I'm sorry but he doesnt wanna hear it . He just tells me to leave him alone . We can never talk about our feelings or our issues he says he doesn't wanna talk about it. And when I'm talking about something he doesnt wanna talk about he says I deserve to get called a bitch and other mean names . And most of the time when I try to go in and kiss him or show him love and affection he tells me to back up and chill and I'm in his way or hes doing something . So the affection and intimacy is gone . He looks at me with disgust . And I know he doesnt love me anymore but what did I do so wrong? Why do I love him so much . Why cant I let him go? Even after he hurts me i still would do anything to make him happy. I keep the house clean I do his laundry I try to give him sex or head but he doesnt want it. I've never cheated on him I dont even look at other guys . Most nights end with me crying myself to sleep and him waking me up hours later after hes smoked all his weed up and been playing video games. He will come tell me hes sorry for whatever hes done to me that day and that he loves me. Or sometimes he will just come to bed and wont say anything to me at all after hes called me a bitch or hit me for that day . I'll be crying and it doesnt even matter to him he says "dont cry now" you wasnt crying when you was pissing me off . I dont deserve this and I know I dont . But I cant stand the thought of him being with someone else . And I dont wanna be alone. And I know nobody else is gonna want me because I'm fat and ugly. I hardly ever smile anymore . And side note a couple months ago I caught him watching porn . Which really hurt me because I told him when we first met i would never be okay with that to me that's cheating it might not be physical. But your sitting there jacking off to girls on there but you wont have sex with me . I'm not good enough for you . I dont watch that stuff and come to find out hes been watching it behind my back for almost our whole relationship. It makes me sick he was sitting there fantasizing about another girl jacking off to her getting hard off her and meanwhile I'm begging him for sex. Still till this day I'm hurt about it .to him it's no big deal but If he would have caught me watching porn I would have got my ass beat for looking at another man .he claims hes not watching it no more but I dont believe him . I'm just so tired I just want somebody to love me. I just been so depressed and let myself go . I got tired of keeping myself up and it doesnt make a difference I just stopped caring about myself I hate myself. Well that's all I have to say . Thanks to anyone who read my story