This hard for me to talk about..

We had found out we were expecting another baby on Dec. 13th. I was pretty upset and pissed since we just had our second baby in October and we were using protection the whole time. We don't even know what went wrong. So I was upset because we weren't planning for a 3rd and I was overly happy with our two. Our family was perfect. Well after a couple days to take time to think about it and sleep on it I became more accepting to the fact. I was mainly just worried for my body since I just had my 2nd c section.

So that Thursday after Christmas I started to bleed a little but it was super light so I just brushed it off since I had this before with one of my other pregnancies and it was normal. We went to dinner that night with my husbands family since his parents live in a different state and were leaving the next day. At dinner I started to have some cramps but I thought oh it's normal. You cramp in early pregnancy, like it's nothing. Well then Friday comes, I wake up feeling a little gross that morning but again, normal. I had bad morning sickness with both of my pregnancies so this was nothing new and especially since at this point I was calculating to be 6 weeks it was expected. Well by the afternoon I started to bleed heavier and my cramps got worse. In my mind I kind of knew what was happening, but I guess I was just in denial at the same time. I mean I have 2 healthy babies already how could this possibly happen now?? So I call my OB which mind you I haven't even called for my first initial appointment yet. I was waiting to do so at 8 weeks. Luckily they were able to get me in that day with my OB I had with my last pregnancy. So I get to my appointment, I'm alone because my husband had to stay with our other two kids. And right away they do a ultrasound. First they tried a normal abdomen scan and I knew something was wrong right away since my OB didn't say anything and I could just see it on her face. But she had hope.. she had me strip down for a vaginal ultrasound to see if maybe I was just earlier than I thought. Well after that, she left the room for a little bit and then came back in and told me the news.

She couldn't find a heartbeat.

So she told me to just go home and rest since I'd most likely pass it on my own at this point. If I didn't by that Monday or had worsening symptoms to go to the hospital or make another appointment. Well I did eventually pass the baby late that night. I'm honestly a bit sad about it because some people have said when this has happened to them they got to see it. But I didn't. I didn't see anything. I'm sure it just went right into the toilet at one point because I just remember the feeling. I had a follow up appointment to make sure everything passed and nothing else was wrong and everything looked normal. I have no answers as to what happened. The OB couldn't really say much other than sometimes it just happens.

I feel so SO guilty. I feel like it's my fault because I was so mad and cried and wished it wasn't true. I feel guilty for not wanting another and then losing it.

My husband and I have agreed on not saying anything to our families about it. But it's been hard. I want to tell my sisters. I want to tell my mom. I need someone to just reassure me, to be there for me. Which don't get me wrong my husband has been great for support. It's a loss for both of us. He hurt too. But it's just different, I feel like men don't actually know how this hurts a woman in so many ways. They go through it differently than us. So yeah.. I'm just stuck, but I would never disrespect my husband and go behind his back to tell them. I just need more support on some days and I don't always want to burden him with it. He already feels like he has to hide his emotions over it to be strong for me. So this is my only other way to release my story and get it off my chest.