FUCK 💔😞

As I sit preparing myself for the worst. My stomach heavy and already in knots. Knowing me and my husband actually tried so hard this month. We were so happy, making love almost everynight. No thoughts of even trying for a baby. But just a little wisp of a happy thought that this would be it, this is the month. Underwear look good, no sign. Then wiped, there is goes, every once of breathe left me. Ringing in my ears. I looked at the blood on the tissue, and for a second I was confused. But I knew. I knew yet again, another month with no baby. I felt heavy, I felt my heart burst. I wanted to collapse at work and cry. I've never even had a pregnancy scare. I never had a positive test, so why the FUCK WOULD I THINK THIS MONTH WOULD BE DIFFERENT. God what did I do to deserve this

Update: So left the obgyn today and they will be drawing my progesterone levels to see if they will start me on meds. Fingers crossed. So far everything has came back good. Still need answers on why I'm not pregnant.