Need to rant *sensitive post*

First off I’m 28 years old and have been battling anxiety more so for the last ten years and depression over the last three years. Its been getting worse as the years have gone by.

The last relationship I was in was horrible now that I look back. I’ll try to keep this short. On my 21st birthday I found out my ex had been messaging someone else and sending dick pics to a MAN. He told me he had been questioning his sexuality since we had been together but deep down knew he wanted to be with a woman. I feel like the first year of the relationship he wasn’t taking us seriously as he’d turn up really late night (I’m talking 2am) and leave before sunrise. He let me down numerous amount of times. Now I know why. There was always an excuse for why we couldn’t meet. We’d go weeks at a time without seeing each other even though we only lived 15 minutes away from each other, I wasn’t allowed to meet his family for the first year so I could never go to him. I tried to move past it and gave him another chance because I really cared about him and didn’t want to lose him. Well he ended up breaking my trust again by talking to men online through GRINDR whilst we were on our first holiday away together. I never trusted him after that and it was my own fault for staying with him knowing he cheated twice but he made me feel really sorry for him and always managed to talk me into staying with him. So i gave him a third and final chance but constantly was always worrying about him putting me through it again. For about a year after the cheating, things actually started to look better and he made me believe he had changed. We fell pregnant with our first baby (planned) several months after but I had a few problems during pregnancy which made me go into early labour and my son being born prematurely, we lost our beautiful little boy just a short few hours after he was born, the worst pain that I’ve ever felt. I can’t even begin to explain how hard it was going through the loss of my child. My ex was around to help me for the first few weeks after our son died until the funeral came and went but shortly after he started to disappear for weekends at a time for a group he had been helping out at. He was never really around anymore, he worked long hours or always be out with his group whilst I grieved at home for our boy all on my own 24/7 (I was on maternity for the full 9 years as I couldn’t face going back to work so soon) I wasn’t really allowed to talk to anyone about how I was feeling.

Just after my son’s anniversary I broke off things with my ex as I couldn’t deal anymore with the cheating on top of heavy grief. I’m in a new relationship that has been going great but I can’t help but worry about being hurt again, it’s at the point where I barely sleep during the night because I have nightmares about everything that happened previously before. The anxiety and depression has got so much worse after the loss of my son. I’ve been to the doctors a few times but they just try throwing pills at me which I don’t want as I worry I’ll never come off them. What can I do to forget the past and start moving forward with my life? It’s haunting me, every time I close my eyes I either go through the emotions of what he put me through or watching my son die.