I hope this is ok to post. I might delete it anyway....

I feel really pathetic.

So I first purged when I was 11.

I only did it like 3 or 4 times.

I was overweight ever since I was 5.

When I was 14 I was 220lbs.

When I was 15, I dropped 30 pounds.

Because I Started purging and fasting.

That only went on for 6 months and then I gained the weight back plus some.

I fell in love with an abusive man when I was 19.

We got a divorce when I was 21 and I stopped eating for 2 weeks. Then I started dieting eating only “clean” foods.

Then I started binging and purging.

It just kept getting worse and worse. I passed out at work. Lost my job. I got down to 93 pounds at age 24.

Tried residential treatment.

My weight fluctuated.

When I went home, a girl I thought was my friend and I looked up to in the treatment center unfriended me. I didn’t want recovery anyway. I relapsed.

My weight stayed between 99 and 115.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 25. I was living with parents and my baby’s father completely changed. I broke up with him.

I gained 70lbs. Only ate organic vegan food.

Started talking to my exhusband and he actually got help for his anger.

Things were going great. We were going to get married and a house.

I gave birth to a healthy baby.

3 months later my exhusband died. We didn’t get to get remarried. I didn’t eat for a week. I wouldn’t have eaten probably ever again if my mom didn’t bribe me.

Long story short... I relapsed.

I need help. I see a therapist already. In fact I’ve seen a few. Idk what to do any more. I want to recover for my son. I don’t know where to start though. I tried explaining this to my therapist but she redirected the conversation to getting on meds. But still that’s 6 weeks away to even just talking about that, and I’m fighting back by eating after b/ping but still I don’t want to do this at all. And I can’t take meds while breastfeeding. I’ve been trying to wean my son, but it’s been difficult. I feel like something else takes over me when I’m binging. (I don’t do it around my son. He’s asleep when I do it. )