My husband and I have been ttc for 1 year this month. I was diagnosed back in october with depression and wasnt able to get my medications because unbeknownst to me my insurance was cancelled over a year ago. November I missed my period completely and I thought YAY finally I'm pregnant! But nope. Started my period december 2 and then got another period on the 25th. Merry freaking christmas right? Yeah. So January has gone by I'm now late for my period but negative tests and negative test today at the dr office. I went in thinking I might have had a uti and that was thankfully negative.

I was screened again today for depression and once again failed. The main thing is I feel like a complete failure to my husband and to my boys. I didnt follow through with college. I didnt follow through with writing the 3 books I started all at different times. I dont keep up with house duties like I should. Hell I cant even get pregnant. The thought going through my mind? "Everyone would be better off if I were dead." But I know that isnt true. I know my boys need me.

So this is me saying I WILL pull my shit together. I WILL do better. I am NOT a failure. I am loved. I am wanted. I am needed. I would never hurt myself in anyway it's just that thought that every once in a while runs through my head on my worst days.

Today was good. I didnt get a positive pregnancy test like I wanted but I got a referral and an appointment with an obgyn and it made feel hopeful that soon I'll have my positive and a sweet little miracle growing inside me❤❤❤