How do you let go?

I’ve been with my husband almost 3 years and have 2 babies with him back to back. All the red flags 🚩 were there. We got involved to quick, moved in with him to quick. Committed to quick. Then came the control- no social media- can’t talk to this person or that person. Can’t wear this or that, can’t wear that color of lipstick etc.

Then came the hitting, and beatings. I left so many times. And so many times I’ve gone back. I would never fight back when he hit me. I would just mouth off when he was hitting me which made it worse for me. The physical abuse got much worse when I became pregnant 3 months after meeting him. Black eyes, bruises on my back and legs and side of my head. Choking. And I was always blamed for it because I didn’t act or react how he wanted me to. Well fast forward to today. We have a 7 week old baby. He hasn’t once woken up with him and maybe has changed 2 diapers. He refuses to change our 17 month old diapers as well and he isn’t even working.I’m at my limit with doing everything and I’m so tired. Last week He told me I don’t cook enough for him and I’m not affectionate enough. I flipped out a little. So I tried harder this week and cooked everyday. Yesterday was our anniversary. He told me he wanted to get me something or we should do something. We never did. We were sitting watching tv. And I was telling him how ugly I feel about myself and how I think I look so ugly. And some women comes on tv and she was like “oh she is so beautiful , look how beautiful she is” which Ok yes she is pretty but his timing was shitty. I called him out on it later and he said I’m crazy and that he can’t do this anymore . I agreed . He always says he wants a divorce but then when I pursue it he doesn’t want it. I filed and everything and he promised to change . Well he doesn’t hit me anymore it is snotty in other ways. My family doesn’t talk to me because did him. How do you let go? HOW? I need to let go because it’s killing me.