I am a breastfeeding mother of a 15 month old.

Three months ago I got what I thought was my first period which was kind of depressing but it was about time for it to return.

It consisted of light spotting when I wiped and was pink, and lasted three days.

I was visiting a friend and felt tired and dizzy and just wrote it off as all the running around we did with the kids.

I texted my sister to inquire on how her first postpartum period was and hers was the opposite of mine, she jokingly said “maybe your pregnant”

The words that changed these last three months . Three months of testing, of obsessing over vvvvfl and false positives; three months of extreme highs and lows;

Three months of irrational behavior.

Let me back up a bit, my SO got a vasectomy one year ago and we never did the follow up semen analysis. We just assumed that it worked and carried on. I never questioned a failed vasectomy until three months ago.

What an exciting thought! I am given a second chance to have babies! Or am I?

I had SO give a sample for the semen analysis.

The vasectomy didn’t fail, he doesn’t have any sperm in his sample.

I am suddenly sad, but why? I gave consent for this vasectomy, I was happy with my family size. Why did a few positive pregnancy tests send me into this state of sadness. Did I imagine everything? Now I feel crazy, I feel like I made everything up, all the symptoms all the BFPs

I am now coming to the realization that I can’t have anymore babies, yet why did I have positive tests? How is this possible?

I still hold on to the hope that I will magically get pregnant.

I am writing this because my body keeps playing games on me.

Although I know it’s not possible to be pregnant I still pee on a stick every morning,

Everything I feel mimics pregnancy.

I can’t be the only woman that this happens to.

Is it possible to have 6 false positives?

All I know is this is exhausting me.

What do you think is going on?