We got married less than a year ago. We’ve been TTC only a few months and more like not NOT trying, but still. Yes we’ve had some difficult times lately, more arguments, a lot of “I need some space” and so on, but nothing out of the ordinary for a marriage right? Marriage can be hard sometimes. And we’ve been through some stressful situations with jobs, money, moving houses and so on. We are bound to have tension from time to time. At least that’s what I was calling it. Well lately he’s been extra absent emotionally, and full of an unexplainable anger and anxiety. My first instinct was that he was cheating but when I brought it up to him he got so angry at me, made me feel like a horrible person for not trusting him. He used that against me for weeks. He was on his phone more and more, and would do things he didn’t use to do, like tilt it away from me when he was texting someone. I even caught him deleting entire conversations. Then when he was done on the phone he’d put it face down. He always had to have it with him, like if he was taking a shower he’d have it right on the ledge of the shower, just barely out of the water’s way. A few times I reacted to this behavior, involuntarily making a concerned face for example.. and he would go off on me again, saying how messed up it is that I don’t trust him.. what is wrong with me.. I am suffocating him, etc.

Even though my gut knew what was happening, my heart couldn’t face it. So of course I blamed myself, thought maybe I needed to ease up on him, be more “sweet”. Maybe I have to deal with my “trust issues” and not ask him anymore questions about who is calling and texting in the middle of the night, where he is going for hours on end at night.. just be the cool, laid back wife. Maybe then he’d start treating me like a queen again, like he used to. Since then there have been some good days and bad days, but it has just felt different. Like there’s a shadow over everything. Finally tonight I did what I told myself I’d never do.. I’d go look through his phone. Prior to this.. we had gone out tonight with some of his family who was visiting and he drank a lot. Like a LOT. When he stumbled into bed and passed out cold, I knew it was my opportunity. The thought of doing it made my stomach turn but I just wanted to get rid of this feeling, whether or not that meant confirming my suspicions or proving myself wrong. I could tell right away there were loads of messages deleted. Like a response to something that was not there. It was when I went into the deleted photos folder.. there she was. Dozens of pics of her, of the two of them. I could tell right away some of the pics were recent because he was wearing some sunglasses I had bought for him just a few weeks ago. The dates/times matched up with times he told me he was working, or hanging out with his guy friends. I also found a text conversation of him and one of this girl’s friends a couple months back, of him asking this girl if her friend is single, if he can have her number, that he has a crush on her and can’t stop thinking about her. And how his situation is “complicated.” (It’s not complicated you piece of shit you’re married!!!!) Anyway I can’t write anymore. The tears won’t stop falling and I’ve been nauseous for hours, I can’t fall asleep. Meanwhile I’m in my TWW.. what if this is the time that I’m f’ing pregnant? What a mess. Do I leave him? And if I’m not pregnant, it’s best to leave before we have kids together right? Do I give him another chance?? The thought of that makes me so sick I can’t even stand it. But between the arguments he had been talking about our future.. about purchasing our home, talking about our future children, etc. So what, he wants to stay with me?? Then why cheat???

Ladies. Please give me strength. I’ve been with this man for 5 years, I loved him. Everyone loves him. I mean honestly until recently he’s been a dream man. So chivalrous, so sweet, so loving, treating me like the queen of queens. I never EVER in a million years thought he of all people would be a cheater. I’m floored. I’m sick. I’m feeling hopeless. If you’ve made it this far, you are a saint, thank you for reading this. 💔