My first love and I amicably broke up 5 months ago tomorrow. It’s been extremely hard on me - my self esteem plummeted, I blamed myself, and didn’t feel truly happy anymore. I cried almost everyday. I did love him - I would’ve dropped anything for him. He just would have never done the same for me.

I feel myself healing which is so beautiful. I don’t cry randomly in public anymore. I don’t sob every time I see his face in pictures or videos. I’ve pretty much given up on him reaching out and accepted the fact that he was probably less than honest at one point. He didn’t really care about me as much as I so desperately wanted him to. It’s just not who he is right now or could ever be for me - he is too young, too insecure, and too immature. Yet, even though I do feel better, I still feel a small part of me holding on. This is going to sound crazy, but when I’m alone, I make myself cry over him. It’s all I know what to do when I get alone time anymore... that’s been my life for the past 5 months. I make myself feel something, ANYTHING related to him because I want to hold onto it still - even if it means crying. It is some type of emotion rather than the numbness I feel towards it daily when I think about it now, and emotion is still connection. I don’t know. Makes me sound pretty crazy, right?

Of course I still miss him and his voice and laugh and eyes and all that stupid stuff, but it doesn’t make me want to rip my heart out when I think of it anymore. I guess I feel myself moving on, like really moving on, and it scares me because I know of nothing but to hold onto him somehow. I did it when we were together and I guess I still do it now. Does this make me sound crazy?! I feel happy that I have pushed through the super hard parts, yet somewhat sad at the realization that I could completely let go if I wanted to, because all I have ever known to do since the beginning is hold on.