I think I’m angry? Maybe butter would be a better word.

I suffered an ectopic pregnancy in 2011 and had to have my entire left side removed in surgery. Since then I was told my remaining tube is distended and I would likely have a hard time conceiving.

Fast forward to years later I’m in a less than healthy committed relationship for 4 years all sex was without protection or prevention and all of the sudden I end up pregnant without actually trying to have a baby!

I was so happy but to my surprise my ex was not. He was furious demanded an abortion and I ended up saying fuck him and moving out to have and raise this baby on my own.

My pregnancy was easy and beautiful and I had a beautiful baby boy and I only had 5 amazing months with him before he suddenly passed away while I was at work and he was at the babysitters.

No I have been with my current partner since after the loss of my baby boy. We bought a house together and I’m so happy to really be in a happy home and relationship and he wants to be a father and we decided this was it! Let’s try. It’s been almost a year and I’ve been diagnosed with pcos and infertility.

How can it be that I was giving an amazing rainbow baby and he was ripped from my life so suddenly and now I’m actually with a man who wants all of this that I want. We are doing everything and I want to give up.

It’s not fucking fair.

Why take my baby boy? Why am I struggling now? I deserve to be happy and have a family right?

All these tests and medications and OPK and negative pregnancy tests. I’m going nuts. I almost want to just break away for a while.

It’s so hard not to get discouraged and think what is wrong with me that I can’t do this? It makes me feel incomplete and less than.

I’m sorry I just needed to get this off my chest, nobody knows outside of my man and I the struggles we’ve been facing. It’s so fucking hard when everyone around you always asks when are y’all gonna give us some babies. I would love to give our families so babies. I would. It tears me up silently every single time.