Since her birthday was yesterday, and the memory of her birth so fresh, I want to put my memory into words.

I was due for Nifedipine at 4am. I got up to use the bathroom and was spotting, I knew something was wrong. I went back to the hospital bed. Laid down and immediately noticed some cramps. My nurse called the on call OB, and decided to push a liter of saline. As soon as she came back I told her, I thought he needed to come in. She called and had him head in. The pain intensified but I think my anxiety numbed most of it. He came in and discussed options, stop meds and let nature take its course, continue meds and fluids and try to wait it out, or terminate. This heavily dependent on a pelvic exam. He checked and the color drained from his face, I had dilated and she was descending into the birth canal. I knew the reality and began to cry. I never pushed, I resisted against my body as much as I could. No one was ready for how quickly she would make her entrance. At 5:58 am on 2/6/19 Ella was born. She was born en caul and I was told to expect her to be born still. Then room flooded with nurses and while there was a full room all I remember is her. People were talking but all I can remember is a deafening silence. All I remember is her, seeing her. They took swabs to test, opened her amniotic sac and cut her umbilical cord. She was placed on my chest and it wasn’t until she began to

move that we knew she was still fighting. She tried to move her head at the sound of her daddy’s voice. She laid on my chest and fought for forty two minutes. It is so hard to not know how or why this could happen. All I can do is remember she didn’t know fear, or sadness, all she knew of this world was love.