I feel that I am growing a resentment towards my boyfriend for so mny reasons but one just makes me look at him some days (not every day) and see nothing but the things I hate about him. So we have been tether going on a year now and are only 19 and 20 soon to be 20 and 21. When we got together I got pregnant.(after two months of dating, 5 months of knowing one another) Unfortunately I lost the baby and ever since my body has and never will be the same. I have infection after infection and continue to have discharge that has made me feel completely disgusted with myself. The miscarriage was in July but it is still ravaging my body to this day. Now I hate having sec and he wants it so bad but when we have sex I feel like nothing. Like a blow up doll and after about 15 or 20 minutes I hate how his penis even feels inside of me and I start to feel like I didnt want to do this in the first place. I often find myself feeling forced but he has never made me do anything so I have no idea where that feeling comes from. I just dont understand any of this and I have started to have a certain attitude and tone towards him that I hate but is just natural it is a way I feel when he comes into the room now. I loved him so much we were head over heels he is the perfect guy. Ever since all this I cant help but blame him for my body being damaged cargo. I've never had brown or black discharge or had to deal with leaking water brown fluids all the time. I keep going to my doctor and I get antibiotics but when we have sex again it's like we are right back there. I went through so much in the short time I was pregnant and in this relationship alone I have encountered so many situations where my gut told me to go. Now I feel it is going to become toxic and we won't work. I feel like I am starting to hate him. I cant wear the things I used to wear all my underwear are ruined and I hate my body. It makes me want to not be here anymore. I feel disgusting like sewage is coming out of my vagina I just look at myself and am reminded of it every time. Is there any way I can stop these feelings. I hate feeling like this about him a voice just keeps telling me it's his fault. I SUFFER FROM BPD so there are ways that I see things that are not always logical or clear. Please no hate. I know it's not his fault. I jus want help that is all. I wanted this to work but these feelings keep building up all I need is to know what I can do to make the both of us happy. If there's anything I can do.