Why did I let this happen to me

Update #3, what happened that night.... I am not okay. I know I said I was okay.but I'm not. I'm feeling so many emotions. Pain,betrayl,anger,heartbreak,and so much...idk...shame.

Why did I let him do that to me..50% possibility he would discard me like trash afterwards?? I did say yes..but now all I'm feeling is dirty,shame,and betrayed. Disappointed in myself,thankful God took him out of my life. But now I realized technically speaking he's always gonna be a part of my life (sexually-mentally,yes I know that's not exactly a thing). The talks we had,the time I missed with my bestie for being so caught up in him. Ugh. I will never get over this. Everytime I drive past a place where we met and hung out...I get flashbacks. Then I feel betrayal and anger. Plus realized I may be bipolar...just peachy keen and rainbows. I just wanna scream in his face and say "Why?!" But I cant even have a right to be angry with him because it was consensual and 50% my fault just as much as it is his.