Hi I’m sorry for the long post, I’m not doing well mentally and I need to know if I’m crazy for thinking I deserve forgiveness. I’m 18 and he’s 30.

My now ex boyfriend has broken up with me because 2 months ago, I broke up with him & went through a hoe phase and slept with 4 men. We started talking again and I lied (I know, I’m stupid but I was scared to lose him) and told him I slept with 1 guy. He told me I broke him and that I’m the person that’s hurt him this bad his entire life.

Now some facts about our relationship and what lead to me breaking up with him and being a hoe.

- he always asked for alone time (told me to not be around him all day, even when we lived together. Id have to go to the mall or catch a movie by myself) constantly.

- he is an alcoholic.

- borderline porn Addict, he rejected me everyday and I would go as far as to offer anal because I know how it’s his favourite (favourite porn too)

- he was not emotionally expressive, I felt very emotionally neglected.

- he always made me feel like I am way too sensitive and crazy.

I just feel like no matter what, I’m in the wrong and I’m an evil poison. He told “I hope you rot and die” followed by “ok that was hard I don’t want you to die” a few minutes later. He’s my first boyfriend and we lived together for 8 months. I’m attached and I don’t know why I feel this way. Like I can’t live without him. I’m so stupid, all those hookups lasted not more than 30 minutes and meant absolutely nothing. I fucked up and was a whore.