I hardly ever talk about this because My mom made me feel like I made this whole thing up can she be right?

When I was around 6/7 years old I remember my mom had a boyfriend who Had a cousin move in with us. Let’s call the cousin Freddy. I remember every Saturday Freddy will take me to McDonalds I used to love that I remember a lot but then those Saturdays became weird and I remember randomly having his hand on my lap and him feeling on my face. Then I can’t remember anything. Till this day I try so hard to remember but I can’t, my childhood memories are gone idk why? I told my mom once when I was like 12 and she made me believe I made it up and nothing ever happened because I don’t remember anything. She thinks it was probably a dream. I believed her for so many years but I’m 29 now and this so call “dream” still bugs me. I was never close to my mom until recently and I want to bring it up again but I’m scared to break our good bond.

But again when I was 15 she had a new bf let’s call him Jason. He caught me with weed and he took it away and he called me into his room (no body was home) he grabbed my waist and sat me on his lap, he rubbed his hand on my back and I remember clear as day he said “ we can make the weed go away” and I told him I was uncomfortable and he said I know. And put his hand inside my thigh I ran out and out the house to my friends house. My mom was blowing up my phone saying why I had drugs and she thought I left because I got caught. I tried to explain and she thought I was making up everything. Again! I gave up and agreed I made it up. And i regret it sooo much till this day. At night I would feel someone go inside my room and feel on me, I brought it up to my mom and she said it was her tucking me in. I don’t believe her why would my mom feel on me in a sexually way? I never saw who it was as I was terrified to open my eyes. Can she be right again? Jason had a good reputation with our family and a good bond with my brother. So I felt alone. I still do. I got pregnant at 16 and I took that as a sign from god to move out and I did. But then my boyfriend at the time became abusive I was forced to take Epills I would blank out and wake up naked I couldn’t take it anymore so I told his mom she made me feel like I was an addict and would blame his sons behavior on me saying he would hit me because I made him mad. After years I left. This was so long ago but it hurts me. It isn’t as bad of a situation on what happened to me as others but I’m tired of having no memory of anything. I tried talking to a therapist but she focused on some other situation. Now my issues are getting in the way of my marriage. Yes I married my childhood friend who came to the rescue and been nothing but an amazing person to me I love him dearly but I can’t be the wife he deserves. I give up. While typing this I came to a conclusion that I’m the problem. Maybe I’m the one who provoked them.