the first and only relationship i ever had was incredibly abusive. i was assaulted every time we hung out, he never brought me out, he made me feel selfish for wanting to go on adventures, and he shamed almost every aspect of who i am. as a result, it is really hard for me to be intimate with people as i feel like there's something wrong with me and they'll find out if they get too close. this all changed on friday.

theres this guy i met at a party back in october. we hit it off and i tried to initiate things, but he seemed to be going through a rough patch so i backed off. a few weeks ago, however, he hit me up and said that we should hang out like we had planned to.

on friday i went down to his dorm and we just had really fun conversations before he eventually put a movie on and we cuddled. he had his arm around my shoulders and resting on my waist while i was koala hugging him from the side. at one point he got up to close a window and when he sat back down he immediately started making out with me. we took a break to watch the rest of the movie, but when it ended he got on top of me and started making out with me and it was sooooo good. he would bite my lip and gently choke me while i tangled my hands in his hair. he started to lift my shirt up when he noticed that i was breathing heavily and he asked what was wrong. i explained how i hadn't been intimate with someone in years and how the last (and only) time was nonconsensual. he was INCREDIBLY considerate about this. every few minutes or whenever he was about to change things up he would check again. we kept making out and i took my bra off as he kissed his way down to my chest (at one point he had his hands on my tits and just said "these are really nice by the way!" and i laughed so fucking hard). i let him take my pants off and (with my permission) he started fingering me and then asked if i wanted him to eat me out. my ex never cared about getting me off so this was all new to me and i was really just stunned, but i did say yes. after that he got up and took his shirt and pants off (he left his boxers on though because i said that i probably wasn't going to be able to go all the way just yet considering my trauma). i was completely naked and just sat on top of him and kissed his neck while he dragged his nails along my back. the entire time he didnt ask anything of me (which i'm thankful for because i think that probably would've triggered something) and told me that he wouldn't have wanted that night to go any other way and also that he thought i was really cool.

i still havent fully processed that night, but the fact that i'm desirable and deserve to be treated like a human being is really wild and i'm so thankful that he made that night so special. i cant wait to do it again :^)