I have an 18 month old with special needs. Her dad wanted me to have an abortion. I said no. He walked away. I liked him a LOT. I'll be honest a part of me still does and I struggle every once in a while because sometimes I just wish it was different and he had said "yes we're in this together". He only knew me four months before I got pregnant. It was a lot really fast. He apologized 2-3 weeks before I gave birth.

We have had a ton of ups and downs. Made it very clear to me that he wouldn't be forced into a relationship with me just because I was pregnant. Just like he said in the beginning I'll support you if you choose to keep the baby or not and then was like but if you keep the baby you'll ruin my life and if you abort then I'll date you. Harsh right? Anyways I've struggled with healing and forgiving and dealing with being so alone through this wild journey where my 1 month old had open heart surgery and he had no clue until she was 5 months old.

ANYWAYS. Fast forward. He hardly sees her. We are civil. I have her full time. He's never asked for her or anything. He asks to see her sometimes and I try to make it work. She has a lot of needs and gear. So most of the time he comes to my condo. It's been fine. He comes once a month if that. He is far from consistent. But if I forget to message him he's like you never keep me involved and then it's a kerfuffle. Whatever. Ups and downs. All the time.

I'm still struggling with stuff. Money. Work. Raising my baby girl who is 18 months and a solid 14 pounds. Appointments here and doctors there. Overwhelming sometimes. I'm a hot mess with a million emotions. He came over the beginning of January 2020 to see our daughter. By the end of the night we slept together twice. We haven't slept together since the day I told him I was pregnant. He's been really nice to me. My weak self has been getting attached all over again. We haven't been fighting. He's flirting. Says the things that would give a girl hope if that makes sense....a girl who is super fragile and lonely.

Today he posted about the love of his life and some romantic paragraph about some girl and how much she means to him over the past 8ish months. And she's beautiful. I'm so lost. I'm hurt. I know he isnt mine but why mess with me like that? I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm alone. I'm a little angry. I'm disappointed in myself for being so weak and not being able to let feelings for him go. I'm such a idiot and I feel sick to my stomach. I don't even know if I love him or if I care because of the baby or if I just like it when he's nice to me and says all the right things because no one ever has.

So I told him through text that he can't come here anymore. I didnt tell him that I'm weak. But I said I can't have someone I have feelings for in my home when they don't share the same feelings for me. I told him I'm more than willing to meet him out side in public like a mall or a coffee shop type of thing. He seems annoyed with me. But my head and my heart is bad at this kind of stuff. I'm way too vulnerable and I hate that about myself. 💔