Just a sad off day

I’m writing this anonymously only because I’m kinda ashamed. I’m not happy , after my loss I just feel in my heart a piece that is missing. Idk when I’ll be happy again but as of now I’m sad & try to cover it up because I have a husband and two other kids. I feel like screaming. I feel hurt. I been lashing out and just saying rude things to my husband and taking it out on him. I just want my baby back. Or my rainbow baby already, but I also don’t want to look for happiness in a baby if that makes sense. It’s confusing I’m confused! I feel bad when I lash out on the one person who’s been by my side. I just miss my son, I was cleaning out the kids room today and his stuff is in there and I saw his car seat. The one we were suppose to take him home in, I just broke down!!! Idk how much longer I can take this, I need help or someone I can talk to, a therapist!! I just want to heal and just want a baby!!! Yes I have two at home but idk!