I am a 36 years old mother of a 12 yrs old boy. I was born in Greece, originally from the middle east so i was raised & lived in the Middle East since early childhood.

I was divorced since 2012 of a failure marriage which lasted for approximately 5 years.

Since then, i've been living with my parents along with my boy.

Holding a BA. Of English language...worked as a translator for many years (English to Arabic & Arabic to English)....after divorce, struggled to quit office jobs to be a a pilates & yoga trainer since 2014.

In 2017 i decided to try online relationships which resulted in meeting a guy from LA- USA, i liked him so quickly & ,against all the odds of (never trusting a man easily), i felt i could trust him with myself & boy on the spot!

He is a Us. Citizen who was born & raised in Pakistan..his parents used to live in California but then moved back to their home country where they built a big house with their savings & are settling there.

we had so many overseas calls, chats starting from January/ 2018 & after couple of months he was more excited to be with me. So he decided to come to marry me.

We got married here, it was in May/2018. He never brought his parents to our wedding ceremony nor explained to me the true situation about their family issues/ culture..... it was enough for me that he seemed a good respectful guy & i loved him with all my heart, alwyas felt he is my destiny & felt i can be myself with him; with all my childish hidden part, my naugthy side, my weak self, my strong feimnine me, & even my crazy untamed free soul.

We met only 4 times within the last 2 years, i've been crying & begging him to have me live with him since we got married. ......I was never been happy living with my parents at all....never in my life felt real pure peace specially after my divorce & coming back to my parents with a 3 years old child to raise!

It was all complicated & long suffering to come again to live with them with blaming from my mother towards her daughter that i couldn't make that marriage succeed, too many cultural obligations & never ending interfering in my own privacy...

i never felt relaxed to open up about living in this suffering to him. ...so when i found him, inside me, he was my "saviour"...i never had the love or support from my own blood mother, nor father, & not at all with that past failure traditional arranged marriage i had any care or love.

I never had mother's support in my life, never understood what i did to make her treat me as a step mother or a mother in law...   i alwlays felt like running away to be at least loved by my own self. Away from her blamings about how my life is, how i am raising my kid, about missing relatives gatherings, about leaving my office job to be a trainer, about even my choice of this marriage....mainly about everything in me or about me.

I can never understand why i had to go through all of this...& it's been 8 years until now!

However, It took my husband over a year to apply for my visa, which he did on April/2019...around a year after marriage! Which kept me in continuous: pain, agony, sadness, uncertainty, non stopping questioning & arguing with my mother, & complete frustration.

........

There are so much details that now i feel no appetite to mention, mainly i want to mention that i think my husband has goodness in him although i never understood his doubts/ hesitations which is obviously translated by delaying the visa application + the shocking fact of what happened couple of days ago; when last time we met ((which is the 4th time)) he came on ²nd/ February/ 2020, ....we were not in peace for around 5 months because last time he came to see me (last August) he flew to join his family in Pakistan & was ignoring me! & had been giving me excuses like he was busy with family, then got sick,..there was no good internet connection ...& so many other excuses...but i knew there was something else...i never bought his excuses.

So...this time he stayed for 6 days only and during those last days, i noticed his mobile was always on silent & locked with his finger print, one day i just shuffled his notifications on the main screen & saw he had 4 missed calls from a contact in (viber), i couldn't tell whether that name was a male or female's & he never told me he has viber application in use, so i investigated the name & learned it was a female's name.

I confronted him.... there were couple of lies.... then i couldn't stop crying, he said he wants to go out with me & tell me the whole truth.

We went to a coffee shop, sat & i kept inquiring him to tell me wts going on....he said as we have been an unsettled relationship/ marriage, that he had another relationship with this 24 years old girl from back home which was introduced to him by his parents who insisted that he should get married to her....  he got engaged....he actually get engaged in his home country PAKISTAN while he's married to me since over a year & a half!

He was blaming me for not telling him about my relationship with parents & if i did that it might have helped him understand me more & give me a break! He told me that his family doesnt want me although they have never met me or even talked to me!

...i was blamed also for his "cheating"!

I never degraded him in my heart, i always ..on a daily basis think of him..miss him..tell him how i long to live with him & message him.

I couldn't absorb the shock..i still cannot feel normal anymore...i am not feeling the same in my head, in my body nor in my heart ofcourse.

He cried & begged me to forgive him & that he wants me & wants to live with me & that in couple of months i am going to get the call for the interview for my visa approval. 

I told him i don't care about his visa or coming to his country.. 

he never trusted me since beginning, he kept me in pain so i literally told him:  you can please cancel your visa application & i cannot trust you anymore.

I told him: you took the choice of getting engaged to another woman in another country, & to please your parents as you're claiming so i want your happiness & i'll leave u to follow the path u choose.

But he promised he's going to make it up for me & that he wants just me.

He's back in LA....calling me daily, i feel i hate him so much because he hit me deeply hard in my heart, just like my ex. Left me for another woman.

I don't know who i can trust, i don't want to see anyone...i feel like running from my own parents, specially my mother & him.

 My heart feels heavy, my brain is overwhelmed, i quit job & i lost interest in most of the Art crafts which i've been enjoying... i even feel i wish i can die.

It feels like a dream..

please tell me what can i do or how can i just feel some peace inside.