Long post warning...

July 2019 I finally left my abusive husband after two years of marriage. We tried to have a baby for three years, yes, before we got married, and never got anywhere near conception. I tracked my cycles, planned with my OBGYN, even got his sperm tested and nothing took. I got to the point, as most women struggling with infertility do, where I hated peeing on a stick just because I knew it was going to be negative.

Looking back now I'm so thankful I did not conceive with such a destructive human being and believe that was God blessing me and my unborn child.

Fast forward to now, February 2020, and I'm in a relationship with the most wonderful man I've ever met. It was a surprise relationship, we started out as friends and coworkers and he saw first hand how the abuse I suffered affected me on a day to day basis. He says he just patiently waited.. hoping I would see my worth, and when the day came he never looked back.

Even though we haven't been dating long, we have chosen to forgo birth control. He is a tad older than me, with no children, and although neither of us are "past our prime".. we aren't getting any younger, if you know what I mean. We both so desperately want children and I can absolutely see him as a wonderful father and life partner. 👪

The thing is.. I'm 6 days late right now. It's not uncommon for me to be off my cycle, but this time feels different. We had some Vday sexy time 😉 which will sometimes kick start things if it hasn't come yet.... And still nothing. No pink, no signs.... Absolutely n.o.t.h.i.n.g. 😑

I have a test, but I'm scared to take it. If I am pregnant, that's absolutely wonderful. We have talked about it and although I think it scares the heck out of us both we get very giddy discussing it. But what if it's negative, again? I do have PCOS, with my mother and my oldest sister struggling both for years to conceive before they were finally successful. It's so crazy how starting my period is essentially the same as a negative test... But am I the only one who thinks it feels different emotionally?

*Update... I took the test and it was negative, got me all in my feelings, again. But I'm now 8 days late and although I've been late before, it's been quite some time I've been this late. Should I take a blood test?